It’s your turn. What love and relationship question has been on your mind? Send it to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form.
Q. I have been married for over four years now. We’re separated right now and have been for about a year. On Christmas 2020, I told my husband I had cheated on him during the summer of 2020. It happened when I went to visit family in the city where I used to live.
During the time I was still at home trying to make it work with my husband, I couldn’t stop thinking of the guy I had cheated with. He was on my mind all day and night. My husband ended up taking me to the airport, and I went back to my old home. I contacted the man I had cheated with and quickly fell in love with him.
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Months later, he had to move away. He also left me for another woman (after I had a miscarriage). He and that woman are no longer together.
We were at the point where we were sharing a dog, but he hasn’t visited or seen her in two months now. I miss and still love him. What am I supposed to do now?
MOVED
A. Build a life where you are, and assume this man won’t be in it. He was part of a cheat — a betrayal you haven’t seemed to process very much.
After you left your husband and sought this man out, he offered very little. He moved away. He found someone else. He couldn’t even commit to your dog.
This year was a restart for many people. It sounds like you were ready to leave your husband and were looking for ways out. You found one in human form.
Now, instead of focusing on love, think about what you’d like life to look like in another year. Do you want to complete the divorce so you don’t have ties elsewhere? What work would you like to do, and where would you like to live?
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Write a wish list for yourself that doesn’t include romantic partners. You can fit those in, eventually, around whatever world you create.
You’re stuck because you’re pining for someone who can’t be more than an affair. You love how he made you feel ... but that stopped. He is not part of your reality. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll find happiness.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You wreaked havoc on your husband with no regard for him and his feelings. You got played by a player and that’s your comeuppance. The only thing you should do now is finalize your divorce and get into therapy.
LUPELOVE
There is a lot to process in this letter. What really sticks out is that your fear of being alone trumps any attempt at forming a meaningful relationship since you’re not taking the time to learn more about these partners. Take some time to really figure out who YOU are, not just how to land your next boyfriend/husband. Don’t be afraid to be alone while you do this. Good luck — your journey toward self-awareness starts today.
HIKERGAL128
He’s not coming back and he’s not going to visit the dog. I think your new love doesn’t like commitment of any kind. You made some major decisions based on this man and now you are stuck with the consequences. Accept the fact that he’s gone. Start with that.
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Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.