Great news: The United States is about to get a new airline! The new carrier will be almost as large as JetBlue, United, or Delta. The bad news: The new airline is the result of a merger between Spirit and Frontier Airlines. In case you’ve never flown either airline, allow me to explain. Spirit and Frontier are the bottom feeders in the aquarium of aviation.
While Spirit and Frontier are known for offering irresistibly inexpensive flights, you pay dearly for those cheap flights both physically and emotionally. With the least amount of legroom of all major airlines in their soon-to-be combined fleet, and seats that don’t recline, you can anticipate a visit to the chiropractor upon disembarking from the new airline. If you’re looking for friendly service, visit the Chili’s To Go in the airport before getting on the plane. Frontier and Spirit have garnered notoriously terrible customer service reviews over the years.
The merger, in which Frontier will buy Spirit for $2.9 billion, has yet to be approved. But if OK’d by the Biden administration, the combined airline would be the fifth largest in the country. A name for this potential new airline-from-Hades is expected to be announced in the second half of 2022, but to save the folks in marketing some time, we’ve come up with a few names of our own (with the help of passenger reviews). No need to thank us, Spirit and Frontier. Even though you charge for everything on your flights, we’re letting you have these names — plus some snazzy marketing pitches — for free.
Extra Airlines: You want it? You pay for it! At Extra Airlines, we’re committed to flaunting low fares, and then stacking on the extra fees you’ve come to expect from us over the years. With Spirit and Frontier’s combined years of squeezing every last penny from our customers, we promise to squeeze even harder! Just listen to what Carmen R. told the Better Business Bureau: “My aunt and cousin were charged $65 for one suitcase. But on top of that, their two carry-ons were also $65 each. Whatever low price they advertise, they make up for in luggage fees. I WILL NEVER BOOK WITH FRONTIER AGAIN.”
Cramped Express: Everyone loves watching a good contortionist. The flexibility of these human accordions is astounding. Now we’re offering you the opportunity to express your inner contortionist on Cramped Express. We’ve got the narrowest seats and the least amount of legroom in the sky. We guarantee it. There is no extra charge to practice your contortionist act, unless it looks like you’re having fun trying it. Then we might have to add a fee. Don’t believe us, listen to Matt who left a review of Spirit on Skytrax and said, “I wouldn’t put my worst enemies on this plane.” Or Heidi, who raves, “I kept shifting in my seat, which was as hard as a metal chair. In fact the seats are like metal folding chairs partially covered with a thin leatherette covering. Cheap flight doesn’t offset extreme pain.”
WickedWings Airways: We’re proud to say that the flight attendants on WickedWings are nationally known for being human, dressed in clothes, and breathing, all at no additional charge to you! Looking to spice up your flight? We can help. Just listen to B. Dumont’s recent experience on Spirit, as reviewed on SkyTrax. “I was disgusted at one of the flight attendant’s sexual innuendos during the safety briefing.” We expect the good times to continue at WickedWings. In fact, Frontier placed dead last in the 2021′s Quality Airline Rating, with the highest number of consumer complaints. At WickedWings, we will strive to continue to be at the top of the bottom.
Don’t Call Us Air: We know you’re busy, and you don’t want an airline disturbing you. That’s why we won’t pester you by returning your calls or e-mails, leaving you more time to spend with family. We are so skilled at not responding that the Colorado attorney general asked the US Department of Transportation to investigate complaints that Frontier failed to refund flights canceled because of the pandemic and made it virtually impossible for people to use vouchers for other flights. Need more proof that we won’t bother you with tiny details like refunds and vouchers? Head over to the Better Business Bureau’s website, where Spirit sports a one star review, and read the endless raves. OK, fine, they’re rants.
Wing + a PRair: While our competitors stress you out with tight schedules, Wing + a PRair wants you to kick back and savor the trip. Need to get to a conference in Orlando by 4 p.m. on a Tuesday? Relax. We’ll get you there Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday. Some people may call our relaxed attitude “canceled flights” or “delays.” They might even throw around terms such as “overbooked” and “bumped.” For years, both Spirit and Frontier (along with Allegiant) have ranked in the basement on punctuality and canceled flights. At Wing +a PRair, we promise to keep a relaxed schedule. Over at the Better Business website, Stephany gives Spirit “Zero stars because they cancelled my parent’s flight without warning,” and Timothy wrote “Spirit Airlines stranded my family 1,000 miles from home by canceling a flight 4 hours before we were supposed to depart.” Relax Timothy. Think of the extra time away from home as our free gift to you. Unless you’re enjoying being 1,000 away from home, then we will have to impose our new “extended holiday surcharge” on you and your family.