Q. I met my match and she checks all the boxes. We grew up in the same city — far away from here — but met at work in a biotech startup. She is the Padma Lakshmi type: talented, very attractive, smart, and loves to cook, and I have fallen hook, line, and sinker.
We are very compatible in almost all aspects but one. She loves to party and is the center of attention. I, on the other hand, am usually trying hard to conceal my sulking and waiting to go home. I do enjoy a few parties, but those are usually with a few close friends.
We have been living together for more than a year now and the word has gotten back to our parents. This has led to questions and expectations for the next step. We currently party at least twice every week (Saturdays, Sundays, and sometimes Friday nights). I have spoken to her about it a few times and it does die down for a few weeks, but then I feel bad and we start going out again. The question in my mind is whether this is a phase-of-life thing (we are mid-20s) that will die down? Should I voice my concerns? I do not want to make a schedule. Even if she agrees, it will just kill the spontaneity. But, at the same time, we need more time to ourselves. Please advise.
– Almost Compatible
A. You should voice your concerns. Absolutely. Talk about a compromise.
One solution might be that she parties with friends on a night that you stay home and watch television. I’m not saying you should live separate lives, but why do you always have to party with her? Are you afraid for her safety?
If you’re concerned (you didn’t define what it means to party), you should talk about that, too. But if it’s just about social time and you needing to be at home to recharge, give her — and yourself — some space to do what feels good. No one wants to sulk all night, and it’s no fun to be with a sulker. Perhaps one real night out on her own will make staying home something to look forward to.
I would imagine that over years, she and her friends will have fewer nights to do this kind of thing. Some people have kids, others move, etc. But you should be confident — even now — that she looks forward to the time she spends with you, without others. Ask for transparency. Is she happy? You don’t want to get to that next step with so many doubts about your mismatched lifestyles.
I can’t speak to what your parents would say about this, but if the relationship, at its core, is wrong for you — if she’s clear that this is how she wants to spend every night of her weekends — maybe you need to take a closer look at those boxes from the first line of your letter.
“She checks all the boxes” — Apart from the boxes she hasn’t checked that I will be complaining about in the rest of my letter. AULDYIN
There are no rules that say you have to do everything together. CUPPAJOESEATTLE
You seem to be determined, before heading out, that you will NOT have a good time. Perhaps it’s time to look inward a little. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable partying all weekend . . . but I wouldn’t “sulk” about it. HIKERGALNH128
The partying will probably die down as you get older but the fact that your girlfriend is an extrovert will not. SUNALSORISES
Find the latest season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show. Meredith Goldstein wants your letters! Send your relationship quandaries and questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Columns and responses are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.