Q. I’m 18 and have been talking to this guy for the past year. We met through my church.
As far as the “talking” stage goes, we’ve done it all. When I expressed an interest in taking things further and starting an official relationship, he kept pushing it back. First, it was supposed to happen in the fall. Then we were supposed to date in the spring. I decided I would wait on him until the spring, thinking we could pursue a relationship.
Things kept getting worse between us, however, and I kept finding out lies he had told me before. His issues with substance abuse didn’t help.
When spring came, he told me he “wasn’t feeling it” and wanted to push it back again. He’s so hot and cold sometimes, but he always keeps on insisting that he wants to date eventually. I want to be his girlfriend, but what do I do?
A. I understand that the heart wants what it wants (songs have told me this), but please take a moment to think about why you want this guy to be your boyfriend. Make a list if you can.
Then consider my counterpoint argument. It’s this:
He keeps pushing you off, he’s hot and cold, he lies, there are issues with substance abuse that have affected your almost-relationship, and a lot of what he offers is “eventually” — which never turns into now.
You’ve imagined later as something wonderful, and I’m sure that for every day you wait, your fantasies becomes that much more exciting. But for the moment, that future is fiction. You’re writing it, so it can look any way you want.
I know this is hard to hear, but if he’s “not feeling it” after two seasons, there is no guarantee he ever will. Also, it would be nice to be with someone who’s excited to be with you as soon as possible. You want someone who feels it — and can’t wait.
Think about what it would look like to move on. What would that require? How could you fill the time you spend thinking about him with other, more available people and activities? Start prioritizing now over later.
Summer is right around the corner. You don’t need him to be part of it.
No. He lies. He says no, he pushes you off, he’s a terrible candidate for a boyfriend. Don’t sign up for heartache.
Never chase somebody who tells you they don’t want you. I get that you are young, but unless you love drama why would you want to date somebody who lies to you, has substance abuse issues, and plays mind games? You can’t fix/change him. There are better guys out there. Forget about him and go find one.
I‘m concerned that you don’t want better for yourself. This guy keeps putting you off, has issues, and still you think he’s great. If a person wants to be with you, trust me, he’ll be with you. You need to respect yourself more, expect better from your partners. If you have self-esteem issues please seek therapy. Do not pursue this guy. He’s a dead end.
It’s OK to want a boyfriend. He’s not a good candidate. Let him go! As in gone-zo, not even trying to be “friends” — he’s been directly indifferent and rude, increasingly so, which is not even friendly. No explanations needed. Block him. Try meeting friends of friends, or guys someone else knows and can verify.
Make new friends, whatever you have to do to put this guy in the past and out of your life.
My advice is to never contact him again.
Send your own relationship and dating questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.