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LOVE LETTERS

He’s ‘glued to his phone’

He sleeps with it

Love Letters

Love Letters

Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven years. In our first year, our physical intimacy declined and has been very scarce ever since. I have caught him talking to other women via social media, and he’s sent text messages — using my phone — that weren’t very appropriate.

Despite our mistakes, I keep trying to make things work and move past the past, but he seems to push that idea away and remains glued to his phone (he literally sleeps with his phone). Our sex life is, again, totally irrelevant to him.

He also said in the beginning of the relationship that he wasn’t a romantic person and isn’t interested in his feelings, whereas I am, 100 percent. My father passed away last year, and while grieving in the beginning, he hardly comforted me when I needed him.

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He’s been pushing me away, I feel, ever since. He will do something nice here and there, and take me out — but very rarely. Please help advise on how we can reconnect and make things better ... if we even can.

CAN WE?

A. If he’s not open to working on this relationship, I don’t see why you’d stay in it. He’s pushing you away. That seems to be his answer.

Inertia is a powerful force. Sitting with the same routines is so much easier than making a big change. But there’s not much reward if you accept what you have. You’ve said little about what you get out of this relationship on a daily basis. All we know is that you’ve been a bit disappointed — in some ways, at least — for six of seven years.

You’re unhappy, so what’s next? That’s the big question. Try making a list of things you like to do on your own. What brings you happiness when you’re not together? Write it all down and it’ll start to become a plan.

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Some bigger questions to consider: What steps would be involved in separating? How do you think he’d respond if you told him you’re ready to move on?

Because you are. This letter says as much. You didn’t ask how you can make a previously good relationship better. You described a partnership that’s been six-plus years of letdown — and loneliness.

I’m asking you to reconnect with yourself and make decisions accordingly.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

I’m not sure why you want to reconnect. You feel that if you leave you’ll have wasted seven years, but those years aren’t wasted. You now know what you want (and don’t want) in a partner. You should call this one a learning experience and find someone with the same relationship ideals and goals.

CUPPAJOESEATTLE


^Reconnect? Did they ever connect?

ASH


Seven years of itch.

JACQUISMITH


Why are you interested in keeping this thing going? You say nothing attractive about him and the relationship you describe is dead in the water. Plus he’s texting other women. What’s to save here dear LW? I agree that inertia is a powerful force but seriously you’ve lost seven years to this relationship; why give it even one more day? You claim to be 100% in touch with your feelings. If so, consult your own heart and gut and just move on. Chances are he won’t even notice.

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HIKERGALNH128


I wonder if you are afraid you can’t handle breaking up? Being on your own? That you don’t deserve a relationship in which mutual love and affection are shown (including with intimacy)? I am suggesting therapy, not only to get you some more support in making changes but to understand why you stayed in this situation for so long, so you don’t repeat it. Otherwise, I see you waking up at 40 or 50 wondering, “What happened?”

JIVEDIVA


It’s been seven years, honey. It’s not working. Time to cut bait. Sorry.

ASH

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