fb-pixel Skip to main content

10 jokes by 10 comics who’ll be coming to Boston

Amy Schumer comes to the Wilbur Aug. 17-18.Elizabeth Sisson/Netflix

Comedy fans will have no problem getting their fill in and around Boston the rest of the summer. With that in mind, here are 10 laugh lines from 10 comics who’ll be performing in clubs and theaters in the coming weeks.

“Privacy is so hard to come by these days. . . . I mean, it’s like you can’t even sit in front of a fountain with your head in your hands rocking back and forth, sobbing, without somebody coming up, taking a picture, and captioning it, ‘Current Mood.’” — Hannah Einbinder (Arts at the Armory, Somerville, July 21, artsatthearmory.org)


“I am an atheist, but I’m nothing if not ethically competitive. My husband and I, we found out that most religions, you’re supposed to give at least 10 percent of your income away to charity. So we’re giving 11. We don’t even [expletive] believe in heaven, but we’re going!” — Maria Bamford (The Wilbur, July 24, thewilbur.com)

Chris TuckerGetty Images AsiaPac

“My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. ‘All right, get up! You are going to church!’ ‘Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him.’” — Chris Tucker (The Wilbur, July 30, thewilbur.com)

“Towns will reach for anything as an excuse to get people to visit them. Like, ‘Remember when we used to get together as a community and throw rocks at ladies we don’t like? Come to Salem! We’ve got the Wacky Witch House now. Come get one of our signature Wacky Witch Hats at the Museum of Dead Feminists. For $30. For five extra you can plug your headphones in and hear their screams, here in Salem where we turn our tragedies into keychains for boring families.’” — Ryan Donahue (Hideout Comedy, Aug. 12, instagram.com/hideoutcomedy)


“Of course, [baseball’s] too commercialized, it’s getting ridiculous. You turn on the TV, ‘All right, in case you’re just tuning in, the Mets are down to their final two Maxwell House outs here in the bottom half of the Pringles ninth inning. They’ve scored two Rolaids runs and they have a Texaco baserunner on first. Johnson looks in, gets the Chevrolet sign, goes to the Heineken stretch. Here’s the Pepsi pitch. There’s a Sears ground ball to shortstop, the Pizza Hut flip to second and the Valvoline toss to first, and it’s a Home Depot double play!’” — Mike Donovan (Nick’s Comedy Stop, Aug. 12-13, nickscomedystop.com)

“A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears [him come in] but then he doesn’t hear anything, so the priest bangs on the wall. The drunk says, ‘Forget it, buddy, there’s no paper in this one, either.’” — Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling (Giggles, Saugus, Aug. 12-14, princerestaurant.com)

“It’s tough to stay confident as a woman, you know? You put on TV, we see all these gorgeous women. We have to compete with what’s her face, the Mother of Dragons. What’s her name? Kris Jenner. It’s tough.” — Amy Schumer (The Wilbur, Aug. 17-18, www.thewilbur.com)

“I got married during the pandemic. I got married for the same reason that I voted for Biden. I was tired. Just wanted to make a smart decision.” — Rosebud Baker (Laugh Boston, Aug. 19-21, www.laughboston.com)

“God forbid, I go to a store [my wife] has a coupon for. I mean, I’d be walking into the parking lot, she’s gonna call, ‘Don’t buy anything, I have a coupon.’ Do you think I’m gonna come home and get that coupon? Is that what you think’s about to happen? I’m gonna try to pay more, now that you’ve called. I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” — Nate Bargatze (Cape Cod Melody Tent, Aug. 27, www.melodytent.org)


“To me, making love to a woman is like playing the violin. I don’t know how to do it.” — Dan Mintz (Laugh Boston, Sept. 1-3, www.laughboston.com)