Q. My current love and I have been together for over a decade, but have not married due to his need for medical care through his current insurance. Years ago, I asked why he got divorced from his first wife and he told me: “She wanted kids, I didn’t.” (We are both too old to have kids now, if that matters at all.)
Over the years, I have learned that he didn’t show up to their divorce negotiations, and didn’t ask for his half of anything — just walked away from everything, even though he was making great money at the time and financed half their townhome purchase. I suspect there is more to the story but he won’t tell me.
His family is still in contact with his ex, but via Facebook. I want to know the real reason he walked because I feel like he’s not telling me the whole story. Due to his medical condition, he may not remember what actually happened either (it affects memory).
Should I just let it lie? Should I reach out to the ex-wife or the girlfriend after her? (I’m friendly with the ex-girlfriend he dated before me for six years.)
I don’t think it will change anything in our relationship, but I just want to know in case it was something really bad, you know?
A. You’ve made it a decade without understanding the specifics of the divorce. Why is it important now? That’s what I want you to think about.
Do you resent that he doesn’t have more money? That he can’t marry you?
Are you in a position of caregiving that is overwhelming? Most importantly, does he treat you well? Are you supported by others in your life?
I would focus on those questions instead of what happened so long ago. Because I’m not sure what you mean when you say the real story might be “really bad.” What makes you think that?
It seems like you’re stuck on this because of uncomfortable feelings about what you’re experiencing now. Therapy could help with that. It might also help to write down a bunch of questions — maybe on real paper. Then move to feelings. What do you really need right at this moment?
If you can’t move on from the question, and it is an information itch you have to scratch, don’t call the ex-wife, please. It sounds like your closest relationship is with the ex-girlfriend. If you must, start there.
I’m sure if you look hard enough you’ll find skeletons. The skeletons might not change anything in your relationship, as you say, but I bet the process of finding them will.
Unless the guy murdered someone, swindled her family out of thousands of dollars, or was trafficking people I don’t see how bad a marriage could be that it would affect YOUR relationship with him. I mean, do you not trust him in your relationship? That’s really the question you should be asking yourself. If you have a loving and trustful relationship with this guy you’ve decided to spend 10 years with ... then what’s the issue? Now if you don’t trust him, WHY are you there? The reasons for his divorce are his business. Your relationship with him is your business. You avoided details about that. Wonder why.
The real problem here is that you’ve been with someone for 10 YEARS and he won’t tell you details about his divorce that are now on your mind. This medical condition/forgetfulness is [not the issue] and you know it. Dig deep and figure out what it is that you want so desperately, but for the love of Pete do not reach out to any exes. This is about you and him.
You call him your “current love” as if he’s a placeholder before the next. Think about that. “My current love” is one step away from calling him “my future ex.”
Do not reach out to his exes. Just enjoy your relationship and stop looking for drama.
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