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LOVE LETTERS

She wanted to sleep over, but I drove her home

‘I apologized for my nerves and said I wanted to try again’

Love Letters

Love Letters

Q. New to the scene of dating (women), and it hasn’t been easy. I finally matched with a beautiful woman on Hinge and we really hit it off over text. Our first date was amazing. Due to her work schedule and then her getting COVID, our next date wasn’t for almost a month. We decided she would come to my place (she had a roommate, I lived alone). I had the wine poured, charcuterie board set, music playing, and candles lit. We talked for five hours, neither of us making a move. I had never been that nervous before! We finally kissed for a bit and then almost fell asleep. She wanted to sleep over, but I wasn’t ready for that yet and I drove her home.

We exchanged a few texts the next day and I finally decided to address the elephant in the room. I apologized for my nerves and said I wanted to try again. To my surprise she said she didn’t, but that she wanted to remain friends. I respected that, but was super bummed. I told her I would need some time. A month or so went by and I reached out asking how she was doing. No reply. A week later I sent her a funny video I thought she would like — and no response. She follows me on Instagram, but still no contact.

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I wonder if I should’ve not been too casual with her when I reached out again? I see she’s still on dating apps and I can’t help but wonder if she would give me a second chance. Or at the very least just be my friend. Do I even bother reaching out for a third time and probably looking like a fool? Or just give it up altogether?

GIVE UP?

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A. She told you she only wants you as a friend, but you want more. That’s why it’s for the best that she leaves you alone, giving you space to find a better match.

Move on to the next possibility. That’s the best use of your time.

You learned a lesson here — that if you make someone too important before you’ve spent much in-person time with them, the stakes feel too big. Keep feelings as small as possible until someone’s earned more. There’s a difference between being excited about a good date and deciding someone is exactly what you want or need.

You ask why she’s following you but not contacting you. It’s what a lot of people do these days, for better and worse. They might like seeing someone’s life, satisfying some curiosity, but it doesn’t mean they want anything else. If her social media presence is confusing, block or mute her. No need to accept that kind of hovering — and stay away from looking at her profile.

For the record, it’s not a big deal to want some time before trying a sleepover. It wasn’t some big failure. Sometimes a person wants to take their time — to build some anticipation. This wasn’t about her giving you a second chance after a mistake, it was only about whether she wanted a third date. She didn’t make that happen. Save the wining and dining for someone new.

Also, I wish I could have seen that charcuterie board setup. It sounds like you know what you’re doing.

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MEREDITH


READERS RESPOND:

Time to move on. She’s shown no interest and made it clear verbally that she’s not interested. There are so many other women in the world. Go find them.

LUPELOVE


Who knows what would have happened had you followed through with the sleepover? Maybe the same thing. Find another person on Hinge and try to keep your nervousness in check on your next date. Nervousness on a date is good — but not so much that the other person just wants to be friends.

SUNALSORISES


Another woman might have been really impressed that you didn’t make a move on the first date. Just keep trying until you find your right match.

LITTLEPENGUIN456

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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