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My boyfriend or my work crush?

‘I’m a 33-year-old woman who has strong feelings for an older man at work. He’s 61.’

Love Letters

Love Letters

Q. I’m a 33-year-old woman who has strong feelings for an older man at work. He’s 61, divorced, and no kids. We have become good work friends and get along well despite the fact that we are opposites in many ways. The problem is I have a long-distance boyfriend. We met last summer online, and he is a sweet romantic guy, but my work crush has a great sense of humor and I’m romantically and sexually attracted to him.

I have feelings for both men, but honestly I am crazier for my co-worker than my boyfriend. My work crush was burned by his ex-wife and has had a hard year dealing with her. I asked him many times about us being more than friends; he tells me he needs to get his act together. I feel like he might have strong feelings for me, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if I should move on from my work crush and stay with my boyfriend or break it off with my boyfriend and see what happens with my work crush. I’m torn between two good men. Please help.



A. What if you broke it off with your boyfriend and spent some time as a single person? What if you went on a bunch of dates with other people, without limiting yourself to these two men? That seems like the right move. You say your boyfriend is sweet and romantic, but you’re not very into the relationship. It’s clear that if the work crush was ready, you’d drop your boyfriend immediately. That means your current relationship isn’t right.

Don’t drag things out with the boyfriend until you’re sure you’ve lined up someone else to take his place. Your work crush might be the catalyst for the breakup, but he’s not the reason — it’s time to move on. This is about realizing you’re not committed, and letting a sweet, romantic person go.


Once it’s over, you can let your co-worker know and see what happens — but remember, he’s not on your schedule. You say you’ve asked him “many times” about a possible relationship, but you can stop now. He knows how you feel.

The world is bigger than your office; you can be hanging out with friends, doing your own thing, and looking for others. Give yourself space to get a better sense of what’s best for you now. It might be someone you haven’t met yet.



I don’t think you are really in love with your long-distance boyfriend. If you were, you wouldn’t have a crush at work. I feel you need to let the boyfriend go so he can find love. Ask the crush out to see if he accepts. If not, try finding someone. If he does, remember that if it doesn’t work, you still have to face him every day.


These two relationships are both flawed. One is too far away, and one is too old, opposite in nature, and is rebuffing your come-on. So ... come on. Whether subconsciously or not, I think you’re pursuing relationships that you know deep down are impossible. I think it’s because you’re either too afraid or unable to find and sustain a relationship that is possible. Try to figure out why that is and go from there.



You are not torn between two men. You are torn between the fantasy you created in your head about your work crush and the fantasy of your long-distance boyfriend who you met online and know very little about living life with in the same geography. Dump the boyfriend as you are clearly not into him and leave the work dude alone. He’s not that into you.


Break up with the boyfriend. Hook up with the work guy, with no relationship caveat.


Move on from your work crush because he told you he’s not ready. He gave you the answer but you’re not listening.


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