Q. Longtime reader. I was hoping for a little bit of advice. My boyfriend and I are both 28. We’ve been together for a few years and moved in together about six months ago. We also work from home together. We are together basically 24/7 and we’ve gotten into a flow that looks like this: gym, work, dinner, TV, and bed. We are also super busy on the weekends and are almost always on the go or traveling.
All of this, however, doesn’t exactly lead to an active sex life. I have mentioned this to him several times but he sort of shrugs it off. He also told me that he is usually too tired at night. When we lived apart, we used to see each other on the weekends and it was always ... active, for lack of a better word. I really enjoy this part of our relationship because it’s a way for us to connect and honestly just have fun. I know that the obvious answer might be for me to initiate sex more. but I also don’t want to be the only one doing the initiating. He got a new, more time-consuming job not long ago, and we’re about to get a puppy. I’m really excited about all of these things but we are going to keep getting busier and busier. We love each other a lot and are affectionate toward each other every day in many other ways but I’d love advice on how to tackle this.
LET’s GET IT ON
A. You spend a ton of time together, but very little of it is unscheduled. That sounds like a big part of the problem.
Sometimes sex happens because there’s nothing else to do. It can be the most fun thing to come from boredom. The two of you need to remember how to just sit around and wait for something good to happen.
What about a few weekends with no plans? That can be difficult to pull off in the summer — weddings, barbecues, vacations, etc. — but in the fall and winter it might be easier to be calm. To sit around. Do nothing — and then you might do something.
Also, evaluate your work-from-home setup. One of the downsides to working from home is that you can always be working, and it’s right in front of you. Some people have an easier time detaching from their job when they can walk away and enter a new space. Think about whether you have strong physical boundaries between work and home. Don’t bring any of the work stuff into the bedroom. Clock out and make it disappear.
If you have a tiny apartment, do your best. I know real estate might make this concept difficult.
Also, yeah, you might have to initiate a bit, but there are many ways to do that. You can tell him what you’d like to do and leave it there as an invite.
Dog owners will probably tell you the puppy won’t help, but maybe pet care will keep you home and remind you to detach from everything else. But I’d love to hear from some pet owners about that, please.
“We’re about to get a puppy.” Why?
A puppy is going to own you for the first several months. I’ve only adopted adult dogs and even then it was an adjustment — a dog definitely impacts the time and energy you can give to other people. Living together and seeing each other 24/7 doesn’t help either. If he’s tired at night, maybe playfully suggest a lunchtime break? Or skip the gym one morning and work out another way?
When you were living apart, you knew when you were going to have sex, and you planned for it. Now it can be anytime, so it’s less of a priority. You need to make it a priority. So schedule it, initiate it, do whatever works for you both to make sure it doesn’t slide off the schedule permanently. And if you are both too busy for sex, how do you have any time at all for a puppy? Check your priorities.
Their experiment in marriage doesn’t seem to be working — and if two people who aren’t married need counseling to work out problems in their relationship, it’s time to rethink being together.
Plan a trip for travel to the bedroom.
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