He slept with me the night he broke up with me

‘... acting coldly after’

Love Letters

Q. I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year before he randomly dumped me out of the blue. Everything was going so smoothly, and then all of a sudden it went south in his mind. We moved in together very quickly and fell in love too fast; this I know for certain. However, he said that he would always be a part of my life no matter what.

You can imagine my pain when he slept with me the night of breaking up with me, acting coldly after. It made me feel gross. He was my first long-term relationship (I am 23, he is 25), and I had told him many times that I was worried we were moving too fast. I moved in with him after three months, and we started to have mini-arguments about his job. He works a lot (in sales), and I wasn’t sure what to do when he wasn’t around. We never really went on dates.

I was so upset he broke up with me, and I reacted childishly. I am not sure where we went wrong, and I can’t help but blame my mental health for this. If I told him more about how I was feeling, would he have wanted me to stay?

I want him back, despite him telling me several times that he doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t stop trying to contact him because I just want to hear his voice. I want him to be with me, but he has made it clear that he doesn’t. I am not sure where this came from, but now I’m scrambling to find a place to live. I am heartbroken, and I feel like I won’t ever be loved. Most people have left me in my life, and I feel lost.

LOST

A. “Everything was going so smoothly, and then all of a sudden it went south in his mind.”

You say you don’t know where this breakup came from, but ... you do. You moved in with him before you were ready. He has a job that kept him out of the house, and you didn’t know how to deal with that. He became too important to you, and he didn’t want to be your main source of companionship and attention. That’s a recipe for a breakup, if there is one.

Of course you’re miserable and want him back. Even if a breakup makes sense on paper, it can feel terrible. Grieve this, and instead of calling him (please don’t — block his number), focus on finding a good place to live and keeping busy. If you’re staying with family, ask to help around the house. Staying occupied is good for your brain.

Please know there is nothing you could have shared or done to make this work out. It sounds like you were incompatible. Even his way of breaking up with you — sleeping with you, etc. — makes him not the right person for you.

I’m not sure time heals all wounds, but it helps. See how you feel in a few weeks, and in the meantime, consider new kinds of housing options. Maybe some roommates you’ve never met could be a distraction. They might even become a gateway to new friends.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Not having your own life and interests outside of your love life is exhausting to the other party.

DOGSKI

It’s understandable that you are heartbroken. You’re young and still developing your emotions. But stop harassing your ex. He’s made it clear that the relationship is over. Move back in with your parents or sleep on a friend’s couch and go out and meet people. You’re 23. There are a lot of other 23- to 25-year-olds out there.

CUPPAJOESEATTLE

I feel for your pain, but know it will pass, you will meet other people, and most of all that you should learn to focus on your own life first and foremost, so that you don’t feel the need to lean on others so heavily. If you have an opportunity to get into therapy, that would be a really good decision.

RANDOMSAMPLE

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [e-mail] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.