Q. I met the love of my life in college in the mid ‘90s. We kept in touch sporadically until right before the pandemic. We decided to let our guards down and met up with each other in our home state. At first it was a fail, and then a snowstorm hit! We were trapped. We expressed more than feelings that night. I visited him a couple of times at my expense. He never offered to cover costs, and I don’t understand why (he is a well-known artist).
We made plans for the future time and time again, but then I was ghosted. I was so ghosted! I feel so used and betrayed. I have written letters, texted, but received no response. We are coming up on a year of not speaking and no resolution, and my heart has hurt for that long.
I’m going to see family in my home state over the holidays. My question is: Do I attempt to contact him again, one more time, for answers — or do I just let him go? I do believe he is the love of my life, and at 50, that’s something.
A. The love of your life wouldn’t ghost you. He’d text back, at the very least.
That’s why you shouldn’t reach out again. Instead, normalize visiting your hometown without seeking him out. You’re there to see family — people who love you and want to know where you are. Give them your attention.
I wish I could provide some answers about what happened with this college love, but all I can say is ... that’s who he is: a college love, one you kept in touch with for years, only sporadically. In some ways, he’s more imaginary than real. You’ve done a lot of work to decide what he could be without him having to prove it.
Many people find great loves in their 50s, maybe because they’re at a point where they know themselves so well. Give yourself permission to move on so you can have that kind of experience. The longer this man owns your heart, the harder it will be to recognize when someone wonderful is showing up because they want to.
The “love of your life” doesn’t NOT date you for decades and then join you in a few mattress marathons before disappearing. You need to figure out why you think so highly of this guy and so little of yourself. I’m dropping the therapy card.
My guess is he liked you as a friend; you two had a drink or two when trapped and it got intimate. You took it as more; he did not. Maybe he felt a little guilty afterward, as you seemed gaga over him. So he talked vaguely about meeting up again but didn’t follow through. ... ”I feel used” — You were a willing partner in the intimacy. ”I feel betrayed” — Did he promise to be exclusive with you? It’s too bad he lacked any heart or class to at least tell you nicely if he wasn’t interested in continuing. Maybe, if he’s famous, he’s used to attention from lots of women. Whatever. He’s not “the love of your life.”
He was the love of that night.
Sounds like you were passive aggressive about your travel. If you wanted him to cover some or all of your travel expenses, you should have asked. If you went ahead and made your travel plans, then you CHOSE to pay for these trips.
“I have written letters, texted, but received no response.” You HAVE your response. You just don’t like it. Accept that he “Just isn’t into you,” and don’t contact him again.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this sounds like a snowed-in hookup that you parlayed into something more.
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