I know he’s lying

He says he isn’t having an affair, but evidence suggests otherwise

Love Letters

Q. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but have stuck it out because we love each other(?).

I have a master’s in nursing, worked two to three jobs while he was sick, and stuck beside him to show how much I do love him. He gave me COVID, and I now have long-term COVID and retired early. I had a walker, and his actions showed that he was embarrassed. Many times he said, “You need to get rid of that thing.”

Our biggest argument is that he goes back to our hometown every so often because he has family and friends there. Almost a year ago, I found an email between him and a woman. He was asking why she hadn’t answered his calls. Asked if she’d been drinking and said that he was coming to see her. He showed so much concern for her, I didn’t know he had it in him. I flipped out. I mustered all the strength I had and kicked him out. Our son got him a hotel. He came to the house every day with the pretense that he wanted to see our grandchild. Eventually, I let him come back home.

He denies sleeping with anyone. He won’t give me any info on this woman. I did my own detective work and found out who she is, that she lives in the town we moved from, and she’s married. I told him all of this last weekend. He was so cold. Admitting nothing. He walks away, says it’s the past. I told him he doesn’t get to decide when my broken heart mends. I am so very embarrassed and hurt. I want to call her but I don’t want to hear what she will say.

I feel like I can’t breathe. I know I will never be able to trust him again. I had a full STD panel, which was negative. He said, “See, I told you I wasn’t sleeping with anyone,” and my response was, “No, you’re lucky.” This man will not take accountability or show any remorse. I mentioned a divorce, he didn’t decline it or accept it.

Counseling is out. We went four years ago; he went twice and quit. I continued and learned some valuable things, but none to help me endure this pain. I’m a spiritual woman and I am praying so hard, but I’m lost and I’m hurting. He is adamant that he isn’t talking to this woman. In my heart I know he is lying. I also found more evidence (a hotel stay) in the search history on his phone.

How do I move on? Snooping only gets me to a more broken place. I’m praying, but no direction. Staying with him causes me anguish and pain, thinking of leaving feels the same. I’m in a desperate place. Please give me some guidance!

DESPERATE PLACE

A. Life is not about one person. You’ve had a long marriage — ups and downs — but your husband is not your entire world. You have at least one kid, a grandkid, and you sound like someone with professional interests and hobbies. The universe gets even bigger if a difficult relationship isn’t taking up all the space.

That’s why it’s time to live on your own. It’ll be tough at first — there will be grief, of course — but then there will be more.

All I see in this letter is time — so many hours spent decoding, working, questioning, and, yes, snooping. In the future, those moments could be spent in therapy for yourself, having fun with your loved ones, doing activities you like, decorating that walker with cool crafts, and being proud of your resilience. As far as I know, spirituality and prayer aren’t only for bad times; they can also be used for making plans, expanding community, and finding gratitude.

Talk to your husband about how to live in two different places. If you do this more formally, you can set up a schedule for grandchild visits. Say you want to be happy, and hope he can be too.

Then let go of the questions about where he was and when, and focus on everything that makes you feel good now. Give yourself permission to honor what was, but allow your story to change. There is so much life outside of this partnership. Go find it.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

He insisted he was not cheating, but has not insisted that he loves you. Sadly, you should proceed with divorce and take time to heal. Good luck.

NANOSECO

Once you say you will never be able to trust him again, there’s no point in staying together.

LEGALLYLIZ2017

I suggest you seriously decorate your walker. Many years ago, I pimped out my cane with happy faces. When I first needed to use one, it brought joy to my face and into other people’s faces too.

MHOUSTON01

Treat each other with civility and set an example for your grandchild. You have a life ahead of you, and it can be a happier one, if you lose the victim role and take the reins.

BLUEAWNING

You need to leave him. I don’t say that lightly, but if he’s cold and indifferent, the marriage is dead already. Mere’s advice is good. You do not need to tell yourself that your whole marriage was a lie. Some of it was probably good, and some of it was obviously bad. It’s OK to let it be what it was and not blame yourself for not knowing. He took advantage of your trust, and now your trust is shattered and won’t be repaired — and neither will the marriage.

PRINCEHANS

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [e-mail] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.