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LOVE LETTERS

He’s the man of my dreams — except he’s constantly flirting with women online

My boyfriend has a problem with Facebook — or, rather, women on Facebook.

Love Letters

Q. I’m in love with the man of my dreams after being married for 43 years to my first husband (now deceased). My only problem is that this new man has a problem with Facebook — or, rather, women on Facebook. He is constantly on his phone, and he tells these women that he loves them and wants to be with them, etc.

When confronted, he tells me he loves me and that he is “just playing with them.” He has never met any of them, nor does he want to. He tells me I am the only woman he wants and needs in his life.

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I want to believe him but I really don’t know what to believe! What do you think?

– One-Man Woman

A. He might not have any interest in seeing these women in person, but that doesn’t mean this behavior is acceptable — or that you need to put up with it.

He’s made you feel uncomfortable and insecure in the relationship. Also, he’s lying to someone, whether it’s you or these other women — or all of you!

If he were playing a game on an app or flirting with bots (and who knows, maybe some of these people are bots and he has no idea), there would be less malice. But why is it OK for him to engage with actual humans, deceiving them about what he can deliver? It’s cruel.

You can tell him this has to stop — that it’s a deal breaker for you. Explain that you don’t want to be with someone who does this for sport.

If he promises to stop the Facebook routine, you’ll have to decide whether you can believe him. If not, that says plenty about the future of the relationship. You can also ask to go to therapy with him to talk about why this is his hobby, but you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it.

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You say he’s the man of your dreams, but you don’t say why. He’s constantly on his phone, doing something that makes you feel awful (that is not dreamy behavior). Be open to the idea that he’s not a forever partner. It can be better than this.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Ridiculous. He’s trying to fill some big hole in his self-esteem or whatever. Throw him back. DOGSKI

Believe what he does, not what he says. HEYITHINK

You say that this is the ONLY problem, but this is a major issue that affects boundaries and trust. He’s either lying to you or these random women; regardless, he seems to not respect women. My guess is you’re lonely after losing your husband, so I suggest moving on from this guy, doing things that bring joy, and getting out and meeting other people. BKLYNMOM

Given the fact that this behavior is not the stuff of your dreams, I would say it’s not going out on a limb to say that he is not, in fact, the man of your dreams. His behavior on Facebook is who he is in real life. PRINCEHANS

“He tells me I am the only woman he wants and needs in his life.” Then copy/paste, copy/paste, copy/paste — and all the ladies in his life are happy! YOURNOSYNEIGHBOR


Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.

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