Q. My friend of 22 years asked me to have a baby with her. We are in our late 30s, early 40s. Neither of us has kids. And neither of us is in a relationship. We had a brief fling. It’s been about five months since that ended.
It took a little while to get back to our regular friendship, but we made it work. Then, about two weeks ago, she asked me to have a baby with her. As friends. My answer was . . . we need to have lots of serious conversations. Then, think about what we say to each other, evaluate what we said, and have those conversations again. It is taking over all my thoughts.
Now here is the issue: I always envision myself having the whole picture. Not necessarily with her, but I am open to it. I really like/love this person, but this person only sees me as a friend. She’s just not open to being with me, doesn’t want to date me, or even try. She is actively dating.
I have tried to ask what she is looking for in a relationship, but it is hard for her to answer those questions, at least to me. All I can tell is that dating is a priority over what I think is a decision of a lifetime. Or anything else, as a matter of fact. It is just hard for me to think and have this conversation as I see her trying to date and saying she’s single. What should I do?
— Completely Lost
A. It doesn’t sound like you should have a child together. Why? Because you want more from her.
You say you’ve been trying to find the whole package, so why settle for part of it? It’s already frustrating to watch her go through life single while you’re right there, ready to give her attention. If there were no romantic feelings between you, there’d be more hope — and a clear boundary.
Instead, there’s some longing on your end, even if it’s minimal. Not a great way to start a complicated partnership.
Also, you don’t love her priorities. She has every right to date while considering this option, but if you’re not into that, it suggests an incompatibility.
Have the conversations if you want, but please prioritize your own well-being — and hers. Children require a lot of effort (understatement), and you’ll both want to do that with someone who shares your values and understands your feelings.
As it stands, this isn’t it.
This might sound difficult, but not only should you not have a baby with her, you should cut her out of your life completely. You have romantic feelings for her that she does not share. PEZBB1969
This could maybe work with two purely platonic friends with great communication. . . . You have neither of those things. DDL314
Why even consider doing this? I don’t get the impression from this letter that you’re all that excited to be a dad and gung-ho about this prospect. My guess is that you think it could be a way to keep her in your life, and you’re holding out hope that she’ll eventually change her tune about being with you romantically if a kid forces you two to remain in contact. BONECOLD
What happens when she meets Mr. Wonderful and they ride off into the sunset, with Junior in tow? Don’t complicate your life. JACQUISMITH