Super Tuesday Election Specials
Even Superman will be super overwhelmed on Tuesday night, also known as Super Tuesday, also known as the Primary Super Bowl, also known as the Great Electoral Superfreak, also known as the Night of the Superdeluxe Magic Wall, also known as the Superfluous Analysis Superhighway, also known as the Supermarket of Squawking Pundits, also known as Superb TV for Super-newsies.
It’s a big night, and there will be a lot to take in, with Super Tuesday activity in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Colorado, Georgia, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, and Wyoming. Oh, right, and Massachusetts. NBC, ABC, and CBS are scheduled to join in the fun at 10 p.m., but the 24-hour news channels will be rolling around in it all night long, predicting and presuming and prevaricating.
How can you manage the night? Here’s a drinking game, which can be fueled by whiskey, water, or, of course, Kool-Aid.
Drink a shot when:
• A talking head makes a “Yuge” joke. Two shots if someone utters “Berned out” regarding a Hillary win.
• CNN’s John King looks like he’s playing Wii tennis.
• The phrase “game changer” crawls out of the verbal slime. Other phrases to drink to: “hotly contested” and “the campaign’s narrative.”
• An anchor mispronounces the name of a county.
• Fox Newsers (except Bill O’Reilly) titter about Megyn Kelly’s Trump war.
• CNN’s Wolf Blitzer interrupts filler chat with “stand by” in order to mention new but ultimately unimportant results.
• Someone says, “It all comes down to turnout.”
• Fox Newsers talk over one another.
• You dare to scan Facebook for people vowing to move to Canada if Donald Trump wins.