OK, so I don’t know what time you typically read this, but if it’s in the morning, or before bed, or anytime close to eating, I apologize for what I’m about to tell you: Ted Cruz liked a porn tweet and wow do I never need to hear those words so close to one another again. Upon realizing the entire damn Internet saw him like the porn tweet he clearly liked on Twitter, Cruz blamed a staffer who “inadvertently hit the like button,” which makes sense because porn tweets commonly have those giant slippery like buttons. Just kidding. They don’t. Teddy Bear, if you’re reading this, let me assure you beyond any doubt that if there’s one thing America wants to believe, it’s that you have zero interest in sex of any kind. Stop making it so hard for us. (Oh, gross, sorry — I only heard that once I typed it.)
HITS & MISSES
Cara Mund isn’t some deliciously nutty new candy bar I just came up with (although. . .), it’s the name of your new Miss America! (Don’t ask me what makes her yours. Seems a little weird to me. Anyhoo. . .) Over the pageant’s esteemed 95-year history, Miss America has established itself as the showcase for amateur ventriloquism in formalwear; but this year, the competition abruptly shifted gears into a fiery political symposium, unpacking (in 20-second chunks) everything from white supremacy to climate change to questions of possible corruption and collusion at the highest levels of power (i.e. Miss Universe).
Just when you thought you and your Facebook friends were finally on the same level, Apple goes and throws another BAE (Big Apple Event), and poof: Your phone sucks once again. The shiny new iPhone X (which will ship in November) features an edge-to-edge display (i.e. bye-bye home button), wireless charging, facial recognition technology for security and payments, responsive “animoji,” a refined camera system, an A11 bionic neural engine, and a $999 pricetag — everything you need to make a phone call.
Not since “Boom Goes the Dynamite” guy has the Internet been graced with a man for all seasons (plz plz plz) like Sergio Dipp, ESPN’s tremblingly green sideline correspondent. Twitter marveled this week at Dipp’s catastrophic fumbling on live TV — “having the time of his life.” And while at least one Twitter user described Dipp as sounding “as if he is being held hostage and being made to make a video announcement,” I can’t help but see something magical in this nervous naif caught in the spotlight and lost on the field — dare I say, presidential?
Michael Andor BrodeurMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.