GO ON, GHOUL!
There, just ahead, lurking behind that bush with a dozen eggs and rolls of TP — it’s Hallowe’en! You know what that means: An endless spread of unappetizing appetizers (including some really unsettling bento boxes); a rotting bounty of sinisterized gourds; and, of course, so many zany makeup trends! This All Hallow’s Eve, alluring mermaid scales (or signs of plague if you’re doing a “Game of Thrones” thing) are but a pair of fishnets and a smear of eye shadow away; seeping scratches of bloodliner tell the world, “I should have done my contacts before my nails”; and a hot new lens-flare effect is perfect for anyone going as “Human Spirit Trapped for Eternity in a J.J. Abrams Movie” — which may be the scariest costume ever. [Correction: That would be “Sexy Goldfish.”]
SAVE THE WAILS
Speaking of terrified screaming, I’m not sure what you’re up to this Nov. 8, but OH WHO AM I KIDDING? You’ll be joining thousands of others in cities across the nation in screaming helplessly at the sky. At press time, more than 15,000 New Yorkers marked themselves “Interested” in screaming, helplessly, into the sky on that day. And a mass-shrieking event scheduled for the same afternoon on Boston Common was announced, but soon collapsed under the weight of its own fawnlike helplessness. Critics of these scream-ins have been equally vocal, shouting down the group therapy sessions as signs of collective surrender that howl the wrong message — and I have to agree. You shouldn’t need a special day every year to let yourself go full-blown Yoko. Maybe it happens once a month, or every morning in the relative privacy of the shower until your husband comes and checks on you but eventually stops checking because it’s never a spider, it’s so, so much worse. And that’s perfectly fine! Everything’s fine.
“We live in a world where a [live action] Dora the Explorer movie with Michael Bay as its producer is going to be a thing,” tweeted one tweeter when the thing he tweeted, a real thing, was announced this week. “This is the darkest timeline.” I’m an optimist, so I prefer to think we just live in a world where Michael Bay thought it said “Dora the Exploder.” Or maybe pays me for coming up with the better movie idea. (Just text me back, Michael, it’s getting weird.)
Sometimes signs of the apocalypse actually make the encroaching void a little easier to embrace — which is to say Taco Bell is testing out a KitKat Quesadilla — exactly what it sounds like — in select US markets. As this chewy-gooey molten chocolate trend picks up steam, parents should warn children not to accept loose tortillas or homemade knockoff KitKat quesadillas from strangers on Halloween. For your own safety, go to Taco Bell for the real thing. (I can’t believe I just typed that.)
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.