This week’s edition of the Tank is presented in order of difficulty. So first off would clearly be Twitter user @xnulz’s now-viral call upon fellow users to “Name a bitch badder than Taylor Swift.” Having stared down Captchas more challenging, the Internet responded en masse with a whole lot of reflexive snark (“This homemade Toaster Strudel”), plenty of Rihanna side-eye GIFs, and what turned out to be an inspiring litany of undersung women across world history whose accomplishments arguably qualify them as far, far badder than Swift — yet somehow never actually worse.
MIMING FOR GOLD
One candidate for the above distinction is high school cheerleader Ariel Olivar, who tweeted a short video of herself pretending to step over an invisible box and, in doing so, launched the latest harmlessly stupid and heavily scare-quoted viral “challenge,” The Invisible Box Challenge. You can now find videos across Facebook and Twitter of young people attempting to simulate stepping over boxes and forcing Marcel Marceau to spin like a drill bit through the walls of his imaginary coffin. Will Taylor Swift be vulnerable for once and show us the real Taylor stepping over an imaginary box? I wouldn’t count on it folks.
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPION
Elsewhere in American heroism is one Alex Bowen, who achieves this week’s medium-to-difficult spot for his feat at a South Carolina Waffle House. The Internet has shown us lately that, sometimes, people at work are actually people sleeping, so when Bowen entered his local 24-hour source of all things scattered, covered, and smothered at 3 a.m. and encountered a sole, slumbering employee, he did what any reasonable (and reasonably wasted) person would do: He took matters and spatulas into his own hands, (ahem) “got hot on the grill with a Texas bacon cheesesteak melt,” and posted it to Facebook. He then cleaned up his station and came back later to pay for it, because he is not a monster. Plus — and feel free to share this news with whoever might find it useful — it’s possible to both cook and do the dishes sometimes. Yeah. Wild, huh?
And in the position of peak difficulty is 10-year-old investigative journalist Gabi Duane’s probing interview with her cat Coco — a hazardous enough endeavor within reach of her subject’s claws, but more difficult amid a contentious climate surrounding questions about where and when it’s OK to pet cats, if ever. Duane’s interview is predictably cut short when her questioning brushes too close to Coco’s gut, but it’s a riveting read nonetheless and signals the arrival of a promising young purrnalist. Ha. Just kitten. OK I’m going now.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.