It’s a brand new day at the White House, and everybody’s fired up! Wait. Sorry. Misread my notes. Everybody’s just fired. This week we saw Secretary of State Rex Tillerson dismissed by tweet and Trump aide John McEntee removed by escorts. (The latter forced out over issues regarding White House security, the former over issues regarding White House insecurity.) With Tillerson’s departure, this leaves eight of the nine top jobs at the State Department empty. This is exactly like when Nicole fired me and three of my friends from the Strawberries in Leominster within two days of each other because we were “clearly smoking,” except Tillerson wasn’t forced to talk people into buying packs of blank Maxell cassettes at the register, he’ll probably just be forced to talk to the special counsel. Man, what a drag that place was.
What’s the best way to celebrate St. Patty’s Day? Well first o’ all, I don’t see Selma anywhere, so who is this Patty person? Secondly, how about you bite through a bar of Irish Spring and wash that misnomer from your mouth before you take a shillelagh to the shin, you disrespectful codger. The correct word is “Paddy” – short for Padraig, the saint who drove out the snakes and invented green food coloring and whatnot [doublecheck this] — and Irish Twitter is on the case. Meanwhile, I was pretty sure we weren’t supposed to say it either way, so I’m just going to keep my lips pressed to my Guinness, removing them only to fake my way through “The Fields of Athenry.”
A symptom and a cause of the fake news phenomenon is that it’s bad form for the real news to cry “fake news,” but you know what? I’m going there anyway. Piglet, from “Winnie the Pooh” and contrary to an insidious disinformation campaign contaminating the discourse right now, is not actually an armadillo. As indicated by Piglet’s name, Piglet is a piglet — much in the same way Rabbit is a rabbit, Owl is an owl, Tigger is a tigger, and Pooh is a, um, pooh-bear. No, I don’t know what that is. No, it doesn’t leave interpretive room for the Piglet-armadillo theory. I would refer further questions to Pooh’s private counsel. No more questions. FAKE NEWS.
World: Actively crumbling before our eyes. I get it. But you guys, after weeks of teasing everyone on Twitter to tears with their on-again-off-again yet ultimately unfightable love for each other’s adorable faces, Tom and Abby — you know, from that first episode of “Queer Eye”? – are ENGAGED, which means we still totally have a chance to fix [gestures broadly at everything] this! Tom even picked out a really pretty ring with no apparent gay assistance. (Although I do sometimes wonder about Jared). The wedding may be a different story if Tom’s characteristically subtle appeal to the Fab Five pans out. I love happy endings. (Please don’t [expletive] this up, Tom.)
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.