WHAT’S GOING ON
It’s not easy to focus on aggressively trivial news when the inspiring folks who report the real news are getting targeted for violence — but it’s not as hard as reporting the real news. So instead of making the joke I had about Ed Sheeran getting sued for allegedly sounding too much like Marvin Gaye, I am dedicating this space to the victims of the shooting at the Capital Gazette in Maryland — Gerald
Fischman, Rob Hiaasen, John McNamara, Wendi Winters,
Rebecca Smith — and every other hard-working soul who gave and gives their life to this biz. Also Marvin Gaye.
Massive chunks of the Earth cleaved free of the planet, rising into shards that crumbled into powder before ebbing off into space, but then Drake dropped his briefly-but-hotly anticipated double album, “Scorpion,” which, among other things, includes “God's Plan” and “Nice for What,” reveals he has a son named Adonis, was eligible to be certified platinum the moment it was released, and features Michael Jackson. The disintegration of the planet paused for 90 minutes (25 songs), and then swiftly resumed until each atom of the world we once knew made its way home to the teeming indifference of the sun’s core.
Sorry, I probably should have put this item before the last one, because the whole reason Earth started falling apart in the first place was that Slack went down this past week. For a few uncertain hours, it made work not so fun, but it also made Twitter slightly less awful, as liberated workers were left to their own unproductive devices, pen employment skyrocketed, and calamity was loosed upon the nation’s cubicles. Then they fixed it; but as you gleaned from the last blurb, if you’re reading this, it’s too late.
MEMES & QUEENS
Elsewhere in advanced unproductivity, there’s a brand new meme-joke-format-thing on Twitter that will be fresh for another few hours, so get hip to it, Edna. Everybody’s doing the Ranked List! Essentially, you propose a list (e.g. “RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10 Contestants Ranked”), you populate that list with an ironic twist, (e.g. 1. we 2. don’t 3. compare 4. queens 5. because 6. they 7. are 8. all 9. special 10. in 11. their 12. own 13. way), then you top the twist-list off with (yes!) another twist, ideally a really shady one (e.g. “14. Eureka”). In drag, we call that a reveal, honey. (Oh, and while we’re on the subject, congratulations Aquaria! Everybody say “Love.”)
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR