Freshly microwaved whole ham and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones made a bold prediction on Twitter this week: “Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th.” And while the rules of the mainstream media coverup state pretty clearly that I’m not to mention the violent uprisings that are, right now, as you finish your English muffin, re-plotting the lines of our nations’ (plural) map, I can tell you that Jones’s tweet also inspired some truly thrilling meme-craft under the banner of #secondcivilwar, which gathers thousands of imaginary missives sent from the imaginary battlefields: “My Darling,” reads one. “War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe’s lasted many days.” “Dearest Xbox,” reads another, “War is not what Call Of Duty prepared me for.” And my personal favorite: “We've taken Hobby Lobby but none of us knows what to do with it.”
Hey kids, there’s this cool trick going around the Internet where you scratch a message into the side of a banana and it slowly reveals itself in the discoloration. Try it out on your folks! And parents, when the discoloration of your morning banana reveals a crudely scratched message from your late great-grandmother concerning the location of a treasure buried deep beneath your house, do not start digging. Just ground your kids for messing up the bananas. It’s A Thing: Bringing families together since just now.
Speaking of cryptic messages delivered by discolored fruit, President Trump gave an [incredibly long pause] interesting address to a crowd in Montana this week, covering such crucial topics to our nation as the fake news media (hiya), Elton John’s possession of an organ, Trump’s lack of an organ, the fragility of the #metoo “generation,” the spatial requirements of hockey, the threat of NATO, the importance of a strong brain-to-mouth connection, his uncertainty over whether Senator Elizabeth Warren is “an Indian,” and did I mention the thing about Elton John having an organ and him not having one? That felt like the most important part.
And finally, for my own mental health, I don't want to spend too much time on perpetually startled possum and disgraced former EPA chief Scott Pruitt. Nor will I dwell on the
#PoolPatrolPaul/#KeycardKevin/the guy who called the police on a black woman and her child for using the pool in their own neighborhood only to receive the Full Schlossberg on social media and promptly lose his job. Instead, I'll be focusing on the
6-year-old meal from McDonald’s that is now available on eBay, and that gives me optimism for the future. If that can last six more years and look that tasty, so can we all.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.