James Bond franchise producer and alleged non-drag-queen Barbara Broccoli reportedly announced that “it is time” for the role of the enduringly sexy and un-offable secret agent to be played by a nonwhite actor; and she has hinted [draws breath from paper bag] that she is considering [another breath from bag] casting [several short breaths] Idris Elba! As you may imagine, the Internet freakouts over this objectively sexy rumor took several forms, from steaming hot thirst vapors, to fiery pre-emptive bigot-slapping, to, of course, the usual steady methane leak from Threatened White Twitter. “Yes, we are aware he’s up for the role,” Boston Police Commissioner William G. Gross told reporters yesterday. “Please stop calling us.”
If you need reassurance of the innovative spirit and can-do gusto that defines your fellow Americans, just look at how they’re roasting Tesla CEO Elon Musk on Twitter right now. So inspiring. Grimes’s weirdly aggro BF bro-casted via tweet that he was “considering taking Tesla private at $420. Funding secured,” and it took all of 0.0 seconds for “Funding secured” stock to soar, and for the sign-off to become “this generation’s ‘mission accomplished.’ ” Note how effortlessly it can make just about any tweet sound a hundred times more insufferable: “Am considering taking the wife to dinner tonight. Funding secured”; “Considering replacing all of our squad cars with longboards. Funding secured”; “I am considering taking marmots private at five azaleas, three tomatoes and a stick. Funding secured.” America: Where memes devour dreams.
Outer space may be an unfathomable vacuum of nothingness, but it’s also pretty complicated, which is why if you’re going to launch an entirely new branch of the United States armed services, the first priority is a kickass logo. As such, Vice President Mike Pence’s seemingly serious announcement this week of the Trump administration’s intentions to launch the United States Space Force to tame the now “crowded and adversarial” reaches of space was accompanied by a super fun and also seemingly serious logo design competition. This inspired its own colorful array of unsolicited submissions from volunteer designers on Twitter. Skeptics remain unclear on the point of the whole endeavor, but Trump supporters see it as the only way to take down the liberal meteor.
It was bad news for bad shoes that sent shockwaves through the gardening and bedridden communities when fashion-terror syndicate Crocs announced plans to close several manufacturing plants. Haters and the sighted celebrated while Croc lovers scrambled to teach themselves complex shoe-tying skills and keep their repulsive gumhooves off the Endangered Hideous Footwear List; but it was a lot of kicking and screaming and retrieving the Croc you just kicked off for nothing. The company announced it was merely “shifting production to third parties to increase our manufacturing capacity” and tweeted “we aren’t going anywhere” — which, as it happens, is the proper response to a friend wearing Crocs.Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.