Valentine’s Day meant that love was in the air online this past week (don’t worry, it’s gone now), and Twitter got all kinds of swept up in it, indulging in the now tried-and-true Internet traditions of posting virtual Valentines festooned with Carly Rae Jepsen, bad puns, and Comic Sans, and bringing the “Roses are red” romantic poem template to disturbing new places, like this sweet nothing from Dr. Esther Choo: “Roses are red/ Violets are lovely/ The fastest way to anyone’s heart/ is a left lateral thoracotomy.” Still, nothing beat the Valentine’s Day spectacle of Kanye West presenting Kim Kardashian with none other than Kenny G in the flesh, serenading her whilst surrounded by roses in her living room — which, honestly, seems like an especially cruel way to dump someone, but what do I know?
Elsewhere in lovable critters, the Westminster Doggo Show was this past weekend, and it was chock full of doggos. I was hoping they’d all win for being so good, but #BestInShow went to King, a wire fox terrier from Brazil, and his handler, three-time victor Gabriel Rangel. And while King enjoys his press tour and mulls a presidential run, other stars emerged from the furry fray, like Winky the Bichon Frise (who paused several times during the agility test to bask in his newfound fame) and Rudy the bulldog (who did not).
The US Copyright Office declined to grant copyright protection to Alfonso Ribiero protecting the “Carlton Dance” this week. The decision arrives much to the chagrin of Ribiero and (presumably) rapper 2 Milly, and Russell “Backpack Kid” Horning — all of whom have filed (now heavily weakened) lawsuits against the creators of the wildly popular “Fortnite” game for adapting their ostensibly signature moves as “emotes” in the game. Meanwhile, a deranged killer has filed his own suit against the American people, claiming that showing up to a place and indiscriminately killing everyone for fun was “my move.”
And finally, as you may have heard, there is a national emergency unfolding, and I’m determined to sort out what it is. It could be that a copy of Super Mario Bros. just sold for $100k, but that doesn’t appear to be a threat to the country. It could be that rock dude Ryan Adams was revealed to be terrible, but we knew that. Or it could be that Kenny G may be indefinitely trapped in that room full of roses — which seems to me like a solution, not a problem. Whatever this emergency turns out to be, I have every confidence that future President King will sort it out. (He is such a good boy!)