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It’s a Thing

Major malfunctions, a precocious kid, fruity lies, and more

Actress Lori Loughlin is among dozens of parents facing charges of paying bribes to get their children into top colleges.
Actress Lori Loughlin is among dozens of parents facing charges of paying bribes to get their children into top colleges.(Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP/file)

F TROOP

Thirty-three parents face charges for enlisting a lifelike piece of driftwood named William Rick Singer to fudge their presumably unimpressive children’s college applications and standardized tests — a list that includes D-minus-list celebrities like Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin (who played Aunt Becky on “Full House,” and whom Twitter has thus designated the Beckiest Becky who ever Beckied). Twitter rejoiced at the spectacle of faceplanting privilege and lit up with its own tales of getting into college the old-fashioned way, like “having sex with the SAT,” and going “into severe lifelong debt.” The whole debacle just highlights how difficult the college admissions process can be to navigate unless you blackmail your guidance counselor, which is comparably much easier. Isn’t that right, Mr. Hastings?

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MAKE AMERICA GRAZE AGAIN

The 2020 presidential race is already getting intense: Beto was a hacker! Booker wants a coed ticket! Bernie already has stitches! But even as the field of rising political stars grows crowded with one name after the next, only two words really matter in politics right now: Goat Mayor . Look North and kind of Westish (or wherever Vermont is) and you’ll see a model for the future of democracy in the small hamlet of Fair Haven, where Lincoln the Goat was elected honorary mayor by a margin of three votes. Opponents have voiced deep concerns over Lincoln’s qualifications (though he aced his SATs somehow) and his voting record, which to this point has been saying “naaaahhhh” to pretty much everything but trash.

OUTAGE CULTURE

Where were you during the Great Facebook Outage of 2019? Twitter? Yeah. Me too. Better question: How did you make it through?! Judging from the hot mess of displaced social media rage that washed up on Twitter, not very well. Users reported emotional meltdowns, desk-clearing tantrums, rogue diagnostic missions, and resting levels of trivial frustration that released everyone’s inner Michael Scott for 24 painfully likeless hours.  Facebook restored service after resolving its “server configuration error” (we’ve all been there), just in time for an insane white supremacist  to broadcast a mass shooting. I vote we break it again.

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THE JUICE IS LOOSE

And finally, not to defend the Internet or anything, but it did teach millions of people the easiest way to enjoy a pineapple this week. Apparently you can just remove the top and peel sections of it out like a big tropical artichoke? Apparently? Independent research on Twitter reaches two distinct conclusions: 1.) Yes! You can! and 2.) No, you cannot, you liars, and now there’s juice all over my desk. So let’s just say the jury is out. Meanwhile, the Internet’s favorite new technique to score honey (i.e. cramming your mouth full of bees) seems like a no-brainer.

MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR