FAB FIVE OR SO
It’s Pride Month! This is great news for LGBTQ folks and their supporters, and deeply confusing news for a handful of aggressively heterosexual (and reportedly fascist adjacent) thumbsitters, who announced plans (and filed for permits) to throw a super normal seeming and sure to be fabulous Straight Pride Parade (complete with a flag that sure looks like a prison uniform strung up a flagpole — umm, nailed it?). The so-far all-male coalition will march together in a very masculine fashion through the South End, which seems about right. “Straight people are an oppressed majority,” posted Super Happy Fun America president John Hugo. “We will fight for the right of straights everywhere to express pride in themselves without fear of judgement and hate.” Oh, come on Johnathan. Don’t be like that. Of course straight people should be proud. Just look at all the gay people you made.
BETTES ARE OFF
In any case, that corny mess was the last thing queer Twitter needed after the leader of the free world performed yet another unthinkable act from the highest office in the land. Gurl, he came for Bette! Demonstrating his breezy flair for multitasking, President Trump managed to balance falling down the proverbial staircase of Europe in front of everyone with feuding online with every gay person’s legal mother, Bette Midler, calling her a “washed-up psycho” after Midler mocked Trump for not recognizing that the thousands “greeting” him on his UK visit were protesters. If you thought the Beyhive could swarm against a sworn enemy, Bette’s Cadets fell into defensive formation rather impressively for their age. OK fine, our age. Leave me alone.
Elsewhere in the realm Pride: Literally everything. Disproportionately few pots of gold accompanied the influx of rainbow-emblazoned merchandise and promotions from corporations suddenly starving for some concentrated gay attention. (Why not just throw a Straight Pride Parade, guys?) Rainbows overtook everything from sneakers to cookies to Listerine (and even bus stops that smell like Listerine), affording gay people a new level of access to a staggering range of consumer experiences. (Usually we are forced to subsist solely on Skittles and sparkling rosé, so this is really great.)
And not to overdo it with all the fun gay content or anything, but this week YouTube declined to remove a series of videos from right-wing troll Steven Crowder that have fueled a vicious widespread harassment campaign against gay Vox journalist Carlos Maza. Two young lesbians were brutally beaten on a London bus for refusing to kiss for the entertainment of a gang of violent straight men. An Alabama mayor drew national ire by posting on Facebook that the only way to solve the “problem” of LGBTQ folks is “killing them out.” And eight transgender people have been fatally shot or killed by other violent means in 2019 alone. So if you still think queer people shouldn’t be celebrating Pride, maybe take a long march off a short pier.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR