Fib-prone White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced plans to vacate her perch at the podium by the end of the month, though the details of how she’d leave remain unclear (Cloud of bats? Oozing through a floor drain? Bursting into spores?). “The most important job I’ll ever have is being a mom to my kids and it’s time for us to go home,” she tweeted — which sure sounds convincing. But as The New York Times’s James Poniewozik tweeted, “I’m not going to believe that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving as White House press secretary until she denies it herself.” Who, or what, will replace her? Twitter’s candidates are mostly unprintable, but if I were a betting man I’d say get ready for a lot more Kid Rock in your life.
In a perfectly normal birthday morning interview with Fox News (which also by carefully constructed coincidence happened to coincide with the first ever #JohnMcCainDay) President Trump defended his decision to repaint Air Force One red, white, and blue (a bold departure from the baby blue hue first selected by former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) by dragging his wife into it with the weirdest compliment ever: “It was Jackie O and that’s good. But we have our own Jackie O today, it’s called Melania. Melania. We’ll call it Melania T, OK?” Twitter spent the day wrestling with which aspect of the answer was worse, the “our own Jackie O” part or the double dispatch of “it” to refer to the current first lady. Truth be told, I really don’t care (do U?), but this kinda feels like saying we have a new Chanel No. 5 and it’s called Febreze.
Enough of these foolish mortals and this lousy present! Gather ’round my crystal ball, everyone, and behold as I grant you a glimpse into a strange and distant future! Just kidding, it’s actually just a terrifying clip of Spot, a Boston Robotics dog, violently malfunctioning on an expo stage and writhing around in simulated pain before unceremoniously tipping over. WAIT! If you’re about to make the “he sure knows how to play dead” joke, I regret to inform you that everyone already has. Turns out humans are way more reliable than robot dogs. Who knew?
Speaking of dad jokes, in honor of Father’s Day, I am pleased to present to you this year’s Winning Internet Dad, DJ Pryor of Tennessee, who was recorded by his wife, Shanieke, chilling on the couch and deeply engaged in a just-as-deeply meaningless conversation with their 18-month-old son Kingston, who appears to be making some valid points. “We think a lot alike, huh?,” says Pryor in the objectively cutest moment of the clip, which has been shared over a million times. If this kid is as smart as he looks, he’ll put whatever he asked for in writing as soon as he figures that out.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR