STRANGER THAN FICTION
It was a tough week for reality out there, as seemingly real people experienced clearly real difficulty drawing the line between the world as it exists and the gopher-holed yard of their own imaginations. Young Turks journalist Ken Klippenstein duped Iowa US Representative Steve King with concerning ease into tweeting out a salute to “my uncle Col. Nathan Jessup” — better known as Jack “You Can’t Handle the Truth” Nicholson from “A Few Good Men.” Elsewhere, the overlapping swath of the White People/Mermaid Expert Venn diagram collectively lost their wet-supremacist minds upon hearing Disney’s choice to cast black actress and singer Halle Bailey as Ariel in its “Little Mermaid” reboot. And President Trump of “Apprentice” fame blamed rain for causing a Teleprompter malfunction that allegedly-improperly-Teleprompted him to claim at his July 4 “Salute to America” that, in addition to “ramming ramparts,” the 18th-century Continental Army also seized airports in its campaign against the — again — 18th-century British. (Have we tried unplugging everything, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in? Let’s try that.)
Oh, and about that “Salute to America,” it went off without a hitch. Unless you count the high costs, bad weather, creepy militaristic pageantry, sweeping historical misunderstanding, and/or the entire premise of the event itself as hitch material. Through it all, and trapped behind a blurry panel of bulletproof glass like the defendant in a Russian courtroom, Trump remained resolutely nonpartisan, respectful to the assembled forces under his command, and focused on celebrating what Independence Day is really all about: “The greatest political journey in human history.” Oh, and that time Paul Revere and his horse saved Logan Terminal C from General Jack Nicholson.
Long story, but summer’s hottest jam is a 10-second jingle concerning Chip & Dale’s dedication to bringing high-quality nuts to the people of Thailand. The highly catchy tune (written by actor and musician Quincy Surasmith and insanely viral around the world right now) is tucked into a (really beautiful!) Disney short titled “Our Floating Dreams,” and finds the fraternal rodents riding a raft loaded with acorns to market: “Chip and Dale are brothers, selling stuff in the khlong,” they sing. “There’s only good nuts in the pile, freshly picked. Come eat them all!” (Then, much to Mickey and Minnie’s chagrin, they just start raking in baht, paw over fist.) The real payoff here is the songbook of variations on the theme — from easy listening to sensuous R&B to grinding death metal.
And lastly this week, because laser pointers, disappearing acts, and American cheese weren’t enough, the freshest new method for publicly screwing with your pets is plastic wrap. Alleged pet lovers are sealing off doorways with the stuff, luring their pets to run face-first into it, and filming the results. Some are clever enough to apply the brakes and do a boop test. Most are not. In any case, the viral sensation has given dog owners on Twitter yet another opportunity to share a good laugh at how dumb dogs are. Then they each followed one outside and manually picked up its poop, so let’s call this one a draw.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR