Our democracy is crumbling, but you’ve got the whole rest of the paper to help you sort that out. What’s important back here is that President Trump of “The Apprentice” fame is a terrible speller and also cannot tell a hyphen from an apostrophe. Apologies to my copy editors in advance, but here’s what he, the actual president, tweeted: “To show you how dishonest the LameStream Media is, I used the word Liddle’, not Liddle, in discribing Corrupt Congressman Lidde’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings @CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word little wrong.” Reached for comment on Trump’s unorthodox approach to the tweeted word, the ghost of e e cummings said, “Conjure me again for this [expletive] and see what happens.”
Elsewhere in angry men, lots of men are angry at Swedish teenager and climate activist Greta Thunberg, who not only has the nerve to be from Europe, but also spent the week shaming world leaders at the UN Climate Action Summit over their inaction in the face of an existential threat. Add to this her infuriating braids and the “alternative Nobel” she won for her work leading a global “climate strike,” and you’ve got . . . well, pretty much what I just said, but as a bonus, lots of dudes are wicked mad. (Shrug emoji.) Fortunately, there’s a newly established (fake) hotline for Gretaphobes in distress: “If you’re a grown adult who needs to yell at a child for some reason, the Greta Thunberg helpline is here to tolerate you.” Or maybe just watch a guy play Pachelbel’s Canon in D on a rubber chicken. It sure cheered me up.
LONG MAY SHE RAIN
And elsewhere in potentially dangerous cyclones of hot air, Tropical Storm Karen joined the record-setting flash mob of tropical storms simultaneously forming “like roaches” around America’s coastal waters. And while she isn’t expected to hit land for another few days, the meme-verse felt Karen’s impact almost immediately, as radar images of the storm were outfitted with sunglasses and the now-canonical “Can I Speak To Your Mana ger” haircut (specifically, an angled bob with scorched highlights), leaving a wake of super obvious but still funny jokes. Karen has since been downgraded to a “tropical depression” (I know the feeling) and was last seen off the coast of Bermuda nursing a White Claw and a menthol.
CROSS TO BEAR
“I opened a Pandora box and released a Frankenstein monster,” labradoodle inventor and metaphor mixer Wally Conron told an interviewer this week. Conron originally bred the ’doodle for “a blind lady whose husband was allergic to dog hair”; but a resultant fashion craze of crossbreeds, the emergence of “ruthless” breeders, and several health problems among the breed have moved him to regret his creation. Asked about regrets over his creation, a labradoodle just kind of sniffed it and walked away like nothing happened — which was actually really cute and now I want one.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR