High Five

Peachpit reveals five New Year’s resolutions

“New Year, New Me’ — We’ve all heard that corny phrase, and maybe even said it a couple of times when New Year’s Eve rolls around. That also goes for local indie-rock band Peachpit , which approached our request for its top five New Year’s resolutions with what it terms “the use of amateur comedy, sarcasm, and outright lying.”

1. Wear makeup: “Time and time again we’ve seen this formula work across the spectrum from questionable talents (KISS) to certified geniuses (Insane Clown Posse). It even worked for the girl from ‘She’s All That.’ We see no point incessantly exposing our ugly mugs to our audiences any longer.”

2. Auto-tune EVERYTHING: “Wake up, Neo. The Future is now. Get the Net.”


3. Mini-discs: “Vinyl and cassettes are ‘cool’ and all but we’ve all tried to be ‘cool’ before. We know how that works: Trying = automatic disqualification, ridicule, rotten produce, and getting pantsed in front of your schoolyard crush. Better luck cashing in on the next wave of up-and-coming obsolescence.”

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4. Surgical implants/replacement parts: “Nicki Minaj did it. Michael Jackson did it. Jax from Mortal Kombat did it (“Get Some!”) A direct transfer from cash to self-improvement, no honest self-determination necessary.”

5. SELL OUT: “Doritos. Mountain Dew. Chick-Fil-A. TrimSpa. Cialis. Who gives a hoot? Any corporate entity that will enable us to ‘Shmoney Dance’ out of our trust fund-less existence of crap-wage customer servitude will be sought after and met with arms open wider than Scott Stapp’s publicized entropy. Being in a band isn’t about making an artistic statement for us anymore. It’s about rising above the struggle any way we can.”

Andrew Bourque

Peachpit performs with the Silver Mirrors, Everything & Everyone, and Bros at Great Scott in Allston on Thursday at 9 p.m. Tickets: $8/Advance, $10/Door. 617-566-9014.

Andrew.Bourque can be reached at