On the first day of a new year — and this is like a medical fact, I bet — you have the impressionable mind of an extremely hungover newborn. The first few things you see will have a lasting impact on how you perceive the rest of the year. So it’s of critical importance that you sort out in advance what kind of experience you’ll be gently lowering yourself into when you finally move from the bed to the couch. There’s a good chance you’ll be in no position to make decisions today. (You’re just a baby, remember?)
Lucky for you, marathon season has turned the New Year’s Day cable-scape into something of an adult day care, with day-spanning binges of your favorite programs to be vaguely aware of between dips into REM sleep.
If 2018 is going to be all about problem solving, consider watching way too many episodes of “Criminal Minds” on ION from 10 a.m. to 2 a.m. Man, that is a lot of murder!
Meanwhile, if you’re merely looking for something that could inspire a lot of murder, there’s a “Two and a Half Men” marathon on IFC that starts at 11 p.m. on New Year’s Eve and continues through 11:30 p.m. Just be thankful it’s not two-and-a-half days.
If the coming year is all about swagger-boosting, stickin’ it to the man, or really going all in on that Movember stache you’ve yet to remove from your face, from 11 a.m. to 1 a.m. you can cycle through all three iterations of “Smokey and the Bandit” on CMT. Pretty sure it doesn’t matter where you start.
If you told yourself you were going to work on your abs this year, laughter is the best medicine ball (or something along those lines) and Comedy Central has nothing but “Chappelle’s Show” from 8 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. (with a brief flashback in the form of his 2000 stand-up special “Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly” at 11 p.m.).
If your strategy for the new year is to go in with low expectations (probably wise), starting at 6 a.m., E! is nothing but Kardashian content (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and “Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian”) until 4 p.m. when the network shifts into an eight-hour toggle between “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls.” I’ve got plenty of room on the couch. That pizza is mine.
And finally, if you’re looking for the best possible preparation for certain/uncertain chaos of the coming year, it’d be hard to do better than 48 inescapable hours lost in Syfy’s marathon marathon of “The Twilight Zone” (3 a.m. Sunday to 3 a.m. on Tuesday). The unofficial twilight zone marathon begins immediately afterward and continues indefinitely. Happy New Year!Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.