Annie's Mailbox

Ask Amy column

Q. I just got out of a serious relationship. Ever since we broke up, I’ve realized how much I compromised to please this woman, and how I practically changed myself during the course of our relationship. You can say that I overcompromised because I mostly let us do things her way. She’s moved away, we’re on good terms now, and she’s seeing someone new.

I feel that ever since we broke up, she’s changed; she’s become more reasonable and more patient. I think she learned her lesson from our relationship and so have I.

My problem is that I still have strong feelings for her. I truly believe that we can make it work this time. However, I don’t know if I should chase someone who’s no longer in love with me, and has moved on.


In all honesty, I really want her back.

Feeling Regrets

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A. Your former girlfriend seems to have changed because she has changed — she has changed both her love object and her address, for instance. She is no longer controlling you because she is no longer with you. This could be why she seems so patient and reasonable to you — she has a new person to bend to her will and whim.

Chasing an ex who is with someone else is considered to be in poor taste — although it almost always works out in the movies.

Before you make any grand declarations consider very carefully and objectively the possibility that your former girlfriend hasn’t changed at all but that you miss her anyway.

It’s OK, and quite normal, to miss an ex and to have regrets about a breakup. And it’s OK to express this regret and see where it takes you. However, I suspect that if you two got back together, you would fairly quickly remember why you split in the first place.


Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years. He said he wanted to get married and then said he wanted to live together first, even though I object to doing so. He then said, after a breakup, that he was ready to get married and was even prepared to propose. We got back together, and there has yet to be a proposal. This was a year and a half ago.

After several months, I finally got the nerve to ask him directly why he had done that. Since then, he has retracted, and held steadfast to needing to live together prior to being engaged.

I feel duped that he dangled the carrot in front of my nose and then pulled a disappearing act. This bait-and-switch has seriously damaged our relationship and there has been more fighting than love ever since. I also don’t know if I will ever believe a proposal to be genuine, after such a hurtful act.

One month ago, he asked me to move into his house, and I finally agreed to it. I decided to put my need for a marriage commitment on the back burner (we also have children from previous marriages, so it is complicated).

We have since been making real plans to live together. I gave my landlord notice, told the kids, etc.


Today he texted me and said that he no longer thinks that we should live together. He refuses to talk face to face and will not return my calls. What is the best thing to say to him at this point?


A. This guy will not take your calls — but he’s really doing you a favor, because you should not be talking to him. Do not communicate with him again. Talk to your landlord, apologize to your kids, and restart your life.

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