Q. My girlfriend of 10 years is getting married. I’m the maid of honor in her wedding, but recent actions are hurtful and confusing.
I was invited to bring a “plus one” to the wedding. I told her I would be bringing a man I’ve been dating for six months whom she hasn’t yet met. She called me and said she was disappointed that during her three-day bachelorette party I had taken a call from this man, gotten emotional, and caused drama. She told me I could not bring him to the wedding because she feared I would cause drama.
We had a heart-to-heart talk. I told her I would never cause drama on her wedding day and that I want her to feel safe and I want to rebuild our friendship. She has held fast to her insistence that I un-invite my date. I’m hurt. It seems she doesn’t respect me or my relationship. I also find it appalling that she’d ask me (or any guest) to un-invite another guest.
Is this OK? Do brides have free rein to do whatever they want to make their special day comfortable for themselves? I’m deeply hurt by how she handled this. I think I have to be the bigger person and accept it, but I’m not sure if I should stand up for myself and tell her how I feel.
A. You’ve already stood up for yourself and have told this bride how you feel (good for you). You evidently caused some trouble during her three-day bachelorette extravaganza (three days?), but she should accept your apology and assurances.
Brides should try to ensure their own comfort on their wedding day. And as a friend and member of the bridal party, you should also put the marrying couple’s comfort before your own. However, a mature person’s comfort is derived in part from the happiness of her guests; this is where your friend is failing.
Yes, you must be the “bigger person” and accept this. And after the wedding is over, you can decide what to do about your friendship.
Q. I’ve spent most of my life being a support system for various friends and relatives through one crisis or another. I’ve always been proud of the fact that I’m someone they can rely on when they need to.
Recently, I learned that I may have a debilitating disease for which there is no cure. No firm diagnosis has been reached, but at this point it doesn’t look great.
Since I received the last batch of test results, I have witnessed my friends and relatives pulling away from me, dismissing my symptoms and changing the subject if I bring it up (which I’ve stopped doing). My mother and siblings couldn’t appear to care less. I understand that everyone has their own lives and problems, but I desperately need some support right now.
A. I’m so sorry you are facing this health challenge alone. I cannot explain the behavior of the other people in your life, except to say that you may have inadvertently “trained” them that you are so hyper-competent that you don’t actually need others.
First, if you need help you should ask for it — clearly and plainly. If you don’t receive what you need from people in your circle, you should seek support from others who are more familiar with your struggle. Your physician should be able to suggest a support group for people afflicted with the disease you have. Check Facebook to see if there is a page devoted to this particular disease. Online communities can be great and supportive resources for information and assistance.