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Love Letters

He doesn’t want to have sex

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating now for a year and several months. We are in a long-distance relationship and we see each other basically every other week. Lately I have noticed that we aren’t having as much sex as I would think normal couples in a long-distance relationship would have. It has been over eight weeks since we had sex and we have spent eight days together.

I did ask him if he was sleeping with someone else. He said no. I asked him if I was boring in bed and he said no. He said that he wasn’t with me for just sex — that if we had a lot of sex now, what will we have later (he doesn’t want it to get boring), and that he has noticed that his sex drive hasn’t been what it used to be. He has still wanted me around and he has even come to visit me more. But we aren’t having any sex! I have noticed that he is watching porn.

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I am getting to the point where I want to walk away because I am feeling like the intimacy in my relationship is gone. Should I just assume he is cheating? I don’t want to put any more effort into a relationship that is showing signs of infidelity.Dry Spell, Atlanta

A. This isn’t about infidelity. I’d be shocked if he was seeing somebody else. It’s more likely that he’s dealing with some libido issues. Maybe it’s less imposing for him to watch porn than to deal with someone who has real expectations.

It’s time to tell your boyfriend that you need physical intimacy. If his sex drive is truly suffering, maybe he should see a doctor. Explain that if you can’t talk about this stuff and work it out together, the relationship will fail. Remind him that you’re not judging or trying to make him feel bad. You just want to make it better . . . and you want him.

If he refuses to consider your needs and to discuss possible solutions, you’re allowed to walk away.

READERS RESPOND:

If his libido has changed, I would suggest that he go to a doctor to rule out any thing physical. If he’s not willing to talk about this or face that this is an issue for you, then this is not going to end well.

Why do people always assume one issue means someone is cheating? There are plenty of other reasons he isn’t interested.

“If we had a lot of sex now, what will we have later?” What does this even mean? Is there a limited amount of times a couple can have sex? Like a ration that once you use up it’s gone?

This is one of those instances where if you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer.

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com.
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