If weddings came with a survey...

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Dear Valued Guest,

Thank you for joining us at the recent destination wedding and affiliated events of Jessica and Michael. We hope that we met or exceeded all of your expectations!

We would appreciate if you would take a brief survey. It should only take 3-5 minutes, unless you’re Aunt Helen, in which case, judging by the difficulty you had RSVP-ing through the Evite, please don’t even take the survey.

.  .  .

1) Was the 10-hour flight and subsequent three-hour Uber ride to the resort excessive in your opinion?

Yes ___

No ___

If yes, were you outraged by:

a) the hotel’s five-night minimum since the wedding fell over New Year’s Eve?

b) the last-minute surprise location announcement, making it impossible for guests to use points to buy plane tickets?

c) the fact that you were not told the final 1.3 miles to the hotel had to be traveled by foot?

d) for Amanda only: Was it the remote destination that angered you, or are you #Pissed (as you Tweeted) because you couldn’t bring Daniel? (We know you two have been dating for longer than Ashley and Christopher have, but they’re engaged.)

2) Regarding the passed hors d’oeuvres: Was three-per-person ample for a reception that stretched to two hours, or do you agree with the following statement, which you might have heard the groom’s mother anger-whisper: “People are starving. There’s not even a sushi station.”

Strongly Agree ___

Very Strongly Agree ___

Did the bridal party really need to spend 95 minutes posing for photos after the service while the rest of us waited?

3) Again regarding the food: Was Jessica’s insistence on a raw, gluten-free, vegan, macrobiotic menu the reason you left your meal and slice of wedding cake uneaten?

Yes ___

No ___

Other ___ (ex. “I’m on Paleo” or “I’m not Jewish but I keep kosher,” or “I’m on Tom and Gisele’s diet and our chef wasn’t invited.”)

If “yes,” were you:

a) the person my cousin overheard in the bathroom on her cell, whining “I schlepped all the way here and there’s not even a roll”?

or were you:

b) the person my sister overheard in the bathroom on her cell, whining “If I had known the food was going to be this bad I would have spent less on the gift”?

4) Were you able to hold a conversation at your table? If yes, how? If no, was it because:

a) the band was so loud that your ears and throat were still bothering you two days later, during the mandatory barefoot treasure hunt in the cactus garden?

b) no one at your table was sober enough to conduct a conversation?

c) why make small talk with people you’re never going to see again?

d) you were in a snit since you were so obviously seated at the losers’ table, which is really you projecting your own insecurities on others, which we thought you were working on with your therapist.

5) Concerning the best man’s toast and 45-minute montage showing the groom’s drunken college and post-college career: Did you find the anecdotes lighthearted and humorous, or did the recital of Michael’s boorish antics permanently change your opinion of him?

If yes, are you the bride’s parents, Roni and David? If you are Roni and David, did you lean over and make your feelings clear to Jessica during the toast, and is this why she rushed from the head table crying and wasn’t seen for the rest of the wedding?

6) Which statement best reflects your opinion of the bride’s dress? (Be honest, this survey is anonymous, for the most part.)

a) I like that today’s brides feel comfortable enough with their bodies to embrace the “cutout” trend that means the whole dress is basically missing.

b) This was the dress I had to hear about for 11 months?

c) If you’re asking “who wore it better?” I think the bride’s Great Dane looked better in her gown than the bride did in hers.

d) I did not find the dress to be in good taste.

If d) Are you the groom’s mother, Judith? If you are Judith, are you already worried that your grandchildren — if you’re #blessed — will be dressed like little tramps?

7) On a scale of 1 to 3, how obvious was the tension between the bride’s and groom’s families?

a) I didn’t notice, and I’m not just saying that to be nice.

b) The fact that the wedding planner handed out “#TeamMichael” “#TeamJessica” name tags did seem to hint at trouble.

c) “It was like a reality TV show.”

8) Moving on to the 16 bridesmaids. Were they entitled to feel resentful that the bride forced them to buy $479 strapless “limpet-shell”-colored dresses (which needed to be tailored, will never be worn again, and flattered no one, let’s be honest)?

If “yes”: Was it fair of them to hold the costs associated with the destination engagement party, the destination bachelorette party and the required hair extensions against her, too?

If “no”: Are you Jessica?

9) Did the wedding registry make you wonder what kind of life Jessica and Michael picture themselves leading? If so, which statement best reflects the particular item that sent you over the edge?

a) Really — a $129 popcorn maker and melting pot from Williams-Sonoma?

b) I know Michael is into craft beer, but how many different kinds of beer glasses does he need?

c) If they think they’re not going to mind ironing those $1,100, 100 percent Egyptian cotton bed sheets they’re wrong.

10) Considering that this is the third wedding for both the bride and groom, on a scale of one to five, how serious is your vow “never to attend another one of Jessica’s or Michael’s weddings”?

.  .  .

This survey link will expire in seven days. Please take time to fill it out before the couple separates.