Well check me out! Agreeing with Sean Hannity on something! It appears that the world’s most talkative thumb and I share a mutual dislike of Keurig machines. I think they’re wasteful countertop garbage cans that leak bland dirtwater suitable for the lobby of a struggling Midas. He thinks they’re too hard on suspected pedophiles. Wait, what? [Reads up on topic.] Oh man: It seems Hannity called upon viewers for a boycott of Keurig after the alleged coffee company pulled ads from his program following Hannity’s defense of Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore (currently besieged by allegations of sexual encounters with girls as young as 14), and now people are using it as an excuse to film themselves heroically smashing their admittedly lousy coffeemakers. Look, I’m all for protest, but dude(s), that scene from “Office Space” was like 20 years ago. You’re dating yourselves. Besides, if you really want people not to use Keurigs, just do what everyone else does and give them away as Christmas gifts.
In app news, the newly released Kim Kardashian-backed Screenshop app scans photos, identifies pieces of fashion, and connects users directly to retailers that sell them using artificial intelligence, making it easier for users to purchase $3,000 sweatpants using none at all. And the new app MakeApp (developed by an alleged ex-propagandist with ties to the Kremlin — so chic!) is causing waves (or adding wrinkles) with a special filter that instantly removes make-up from any photographed face. Expect swift pushback from Big Cold Cream.
Speaking of problems with your face, hackers in Vietnam have already apparently compromised Apple’s Face ID, using what Wired described as “a composite mask of 3-D-printed plastic, silicone, makeup, and simple paper cutouts, which in combination tricked an iPhone X into unlocking.” So just a heads-up for anyone who stumbles upon a secret collection of lifelike human faces stashed away in an unused part of your house, you may want to just switch to a password.
Those of you who do not like me because of something I once said about Coldplay or something will be pleased to know I’m actually, right now, tilting in my chair with nausea over the latest manicure craze online: an uncanny acne simulation, complete with poppable pimples. Call it a breakout makeup trend — one that no app can erase from my mind. For those of you who like me, who really didn’t need to see that but unfortunately just did, I am sorry, and I invite you to join me in watching this soothing video of a machine flawlessly sorting tomatoes. See? Unlike Coldplay, not everything we do is bad.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.