Q. I recently reconnected with my ex, seven months after our breakup. We went out for drinks to catch up, and I realized that I am still in love with him.
I have tried in earnest to get over him. I’ve dated other men since we have broken up, but still think about him all the time. I have told him that I want to get back together, but he wants to remain single for the time being because he claims our relationship had become really intense. We agreed to be friends for now.
However, I don’t know if I will be waiting for him forever. I’m OK with being single for now, but I’m worried that I may be pining for a man who will never love me the way he used to. We say “I love you” and hook up when we see each other. Should I give him space and wait it out? How long should I wait before I’m officially being strung along?
A. I don’t know of any official equation that will tell you how long to stick around before you decide you’re being strung along. It’s more about when you hit a wall. It’s also about whether you and the ex grow closer as you figure out, together, what should happen next.
That’s what you should focus on right now — how this version of your relationship is different from what you left behind. Do you feel like he’s using you as temporary company? Or is it possible that you’re both thinking of this second chance as a way to figure out how to be better together?
You say you worry that he’ll never love you the way he used to, but this is a new start to the relationship, and it’s possible he might love you better. Pay attention to what he wants from your quality time. That should be the most telling thing.
You’re officially being strung along. But probably not intentionally, just that you’re enabling this and he’s “along for the ride,” probably also because every once in a while . . . you’re a fun ride.
I don’t think he is stringing her along. He seems to have been clear with her. If she feels strung along, maybe she should look in the mirror to find the culprit.
“Should I give him space and wait it out?” This is your call, but I would advise against this and here’s why: He doesn’t care about you and he is not a man of integrity. If he was and if he cared about you, he would not take advantage of you, knowing very well that you are still in love and want to get back together.
Believe him when he says he wants to be single right now, and let him experience that. That means no “friendship” (sorry but you are not friends), and no hooking up. You probably made a lot of progress over the past 7 months and now you have backslidden into a gray area where your heart is at risk. Again.
Even though he says he loves you, it’s not true. You see, when you love someone, you care about their feelings and you’re clear about your intentions (just like you clearly stated you want to get back together). You do not take advantage of the fact they love you just to get what you want, while also enjoying the benefits of being unattached.
Chances of this ending well, based on what you have told us here, are very low. Or at least the chances of it ending well for you are low. For him, he’s getting a fun place holder till he finds what — and who — he really wants. I don’t see anything in what he has said or done that indicates he thinks you two have a future. Meanwhile, you are wasting time pining for someone who is unlikely to give you what you want.
Ding, ding, ding! We have a Bingo winner!!
I have NEVER hooked up with an ex. They were an ex for a reason.