Q. I recently met the guy I’ve been looking for all my life. We have been spending nearly every weekend together, getting to know each other as much as we can. He lives two and a half hours away from me. We both work, and I have a 13-year-old son who just started high school. My son and I just did a huge interstate move last winter.
Now my new boyfriend wants us to get a rental place together where he lives. My son has just settled, and for the first time in years, he has friends in the neighborhood. My son and I spent last weekend looking around the area where my boyfriend lives, and to be honest, I just wasn’t feeling it. Also, that last move cost me my savings.
I’ve only been seeing this guy for seven weeks. He can’t move because he says he has a really good contract at his job and it’s not easy finding work where I live.
A. You know the answer to your question: There is no good reason for you to move.
You just relocated, and you like where you live. Your son is happy, which is a big thing. You don’t want to mess with that.
Also . . . it’s very weird that a guy you met seven weeks ago is asking you to make such a big change. Maybe it sounds romantic, but real romance involves being thoughtful and empathetic. This man isn’t thinking about your comfort, your son’s happiness, or, more practically, your finances. He hasn’t talked about what would happen if you relocated and it didn’t work out (and that’s a real possibility).
Is he really the kind of partner you’ve been looking for your whole life? Maybe you should be searching for something better.
No. Do not move.
I’m guessing you have some loneliness issues if you are seriously considering this idea. What do your other friends think? Would you really feel comfortable leaving them? Or are you wrapping your whole life up in this new man because you don’t have anything else? Take a step back, and don’t let this guy set the pace or this relationship.
Your son is the age where kids are making real buddies. Those friends they will keep through high school and beyond. He needs you to put aside the world’s most wonderful romance to give him time to settle. If your guy is truly committed to you he will be patient.
I am a big believer in knowing that you found the right person. and that this can happen in as little as seven weeks. If you were single, I wouldn’t hesitate to suggest that you give it a try. But you have a son, and you need to be a mom first and a lover second. You should not move your son in with this man until it is very, very clear that he is the man you’ve been waiting for and marriage plans or some other kind of permanence is on the table. If he is truly the man you are waiting for, he will understand your priorities.
He sounds self-centered and possibly controlling. . . . I would recommend moving farther away from this guy. Don’t let the stars in your eyes cloud your good judgment. You haven’t known this man long enough to really know him.
I‘m going to give my stock advice for when it’s OK to move for someone. Only move for someone if at least one of the follow conditions is met: 1. You are at least engaged (or perhaps an engagement is imminent) 2. You are not that tied down. So, even if things don’t work out, you can just view the move as a fun adventure. Neither of the above conditions are met. Don’t move!
What prompted the original interstate move? A romance that has fizzled out? A great job opportunity that you are now willing to give up?
7 weeks? That reminds me, I need to change my water filter.