Q. I have been dating a guy for about three years, and we broke up in August. I should say that in the beginning of the relationship, he fought for me so hard, despite my wanting to be a single college student. I finally gave in and we started dating.
This past September, a month after our breakup, he came back and told me he wanted to work on things — but then ended it again. On Halloween, he texted me saying he loved me and that he messed up, and we started talking again.
We go to different schools (we’re about three hours away from each other). We saw each other over Thanksgiving break and it felt so normal and right. We wanted to work on things, and he told me he loved me.
The next day, when I returned to school, he reached out to say he didn’t want anything, but told me it wasn’t anything I did, but rather he needs to work on himself. He is very rude to me in texts now and doesn’t give me much information. Should I give up trying? Or should I show him how much I want this?
A. Seeing as you wrote this letter just before the start of winter break (sorry for the posting delay), I’m going to assume that you and your ex have already seen each other and rekindled things again — because you’re home . . . and that’s what you do.
If that’s the case, I must advise you to avoid making promises about what will happen next. The two of you continue to assume it has to be all or nothing. Sometimes it’s more honest to say: “It was great to hang out. Let’s play the rest by ear.”
At the end of the day, if you’re really into him, I do think you should give up — because he doesn’t want a commitment right now. Letting go means no more texts. It also means learning to enjoy school without including him in the narrative.
I understand you feel betrayed because he’s the one who wanted to start this relationship, but it’s three years later. He’s allowed to change his mind.
He just wants a booty call when he’s home from break. Move on.
You seem to constantly let him call the shots. He does this or that, and then you react and try to adapt to it. Whether it’s regarding your romances or any other aspect of your life, you should take more control. When you’re not getting what you want from someone or something, learn how to make positive changes or move on. In this case I’d say move on.
“Should I give up trying?” Do you like going to the beach and smashing your face onto the rocks? I mean, go ahead if that’s what you’re into. It just seems like you could find something to do that would be more . . . pleasurable.
I do this sometimes; that actually can be quite exfoliating
I don’t get this whole “fighting for a relationship” thing. Who created this fantasy that this means love or dedication? If you have to fight for something to happen, it probably wasn’t meant to be.
^^Hollywood, fiction writers, and pop songs.
Wow — this happened to me in college. He pursued me. He said, “I love you” first. He wanted to be engaged and then, suddenly, I was asking too much!!! After he broke up with me, he started being rude to me, making snide remarks. Acting like I’d been the one to hurt him.Anyway, he broke up with you. Stop talking to him and move ahead. Still not sure why he acted like he did. Maybe some sort of rationalization so he could get over it easier. Didn’t matter. Over is over.