Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months and we moved in together two months ago. He said he’s telling his parents that we moved in together. He had the holidays to tell them but has yet to. His sister asked me if we’ve talked about moving in together. I’m really close to his sister, and I hated lying because I had finished moving in six weeks before that.
He keeps saying it’s not the right time, but . . . when will it ever be the right time? I feel like he’s ashamed of me, and I don’t want to tell him about that thought. I don’t want to tell his family myself because he wanted to tell them. I really love him and I know he loves me too, but I still feel bad, and I’m thinking that maybe we’re moving too fast. Now I’m thinking about moving back out.
His mom has a rule for her kids that unmarried couples can’t sleep in the same room. She once said she’d bring an RV down if we had moved in together.
What do you suggest?
A. You can’t force your boyfriend to tell his family about the new living situation, but you can make decisions about what you’re willing to hide.
Let him know that after a certain point (maybe now), you won’t be comfortable participating in a coverup. The next time you’re asked about where you live, you will tell the truth. Once your boyfriend understands this, he can decide whether he wants to disclose the information before this becomes an issue. Let him know that you want to be supportive, but that the ongoing lie will hurt the relationship.
It’s promising that his sister asked about cohabitation and that his mother made the comment about the RV. It probably means they won’t be shocked to hear the news. Yes, his mother’s statement sounds passive-aggressive, but at least she sees the seriousness of the relationship. Really, if she wants to schlep around in an RV, let her.
The big question is how you and your boyfriend will recover after you tell him you’re done with the lies. It might be a conflict, but it’s better to have this fight now. As we’ve learned with former letters, two months can easily turn into many, many more.
Adult relationships don’t hinge on what someone’s parents say you can or cannot do. If your boyfriend kowtows to them now, he always will.
“relationships don’t hinge on what someone’s parents say you can or cannot do.” Maybe adult relationships don’t (or shouldn’t), but if mommy is footing Junior’s bills then she calls the shots.
Four months of dating, and you’re cohabitating?! I’m more concerned about THAT, than not telling the BF’s mother. Yeah — I think you should move out, and slow things down. And he needs to be an adult, and tell his mother that he’ll live his life the way HE wants to.
Why? If it isn’t going to work out, they find out sooner than later. Why waste time?
Personally, I think four months is a little quick to move in together, but you are both adults so you get to decide. I understand his mother’s rules *when you are in her house* but she doesn’t get to decide what happens when you’re not. Also, I read the RV thing as she’d bring an RV down for you to sleep in. Do I have that wrong? Anyway, consider your backup plans if he won’t address this. And Mere is right; you don’t have to participate in the coverup.
I think she meant for her to sleep in, because she would not sleep in the same house as them if they were cohabitating.
Is she buying an RV just for this purpose? Or does she already have an RV?
Parents are weird . . . my parents always stayed in a hotel until my ex-husband and I were married (we moved in together when we got engaged and bought a house) . . . even though we had plenty of room.