On Monday morning, President Trump tweeted a critique of the restaurant Red Hen that sounded suspiciously like a Yelp review.
The Red Hen Restaurant should focus more on cleaning its filthy canopies, doors and windows (badly needs a paint job) rather than refusing to serve a fine person like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I always had a rule, if a restaurant is dirty on the outside, it is dirty on the inside!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 25, 2018
Why hasn’t he taken to that platform — or has he? Here are some Yelp reviews we discovered* by someone named Donald T. that sound suspiciously familiar.
(*in our imaginations)
A million stars
The best restaurant in New York City. The steaks are perfectly well done. I never have to ask for my side of ketchup. They just bring it! Diet Cokes too! All the Diet Cokes I want! Pro tip: The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!
MXDC Cocina Mexicana
Where is the taco bowl on this menu? There are tacos, just not in crispy edible bowls, where they belong. Taco fillings should stay where they belong. If they don’t, they’ll need to accept the consequences. Also: What’s with this ceviche stuff? It’s just raw fish. Unsanitary! MXDC should focus on cooking its fish, containing its taco fillings in proper enclosures, and not allowing in protesters to heckle fine people like Kirstjen Nielsen. Extra star because I like that Todd English — great guy.
A billion stars
This place is the best place. They say it’s worth millions, but really it’s worth billions! Sometimes the gold leaf falls off the ceiling and onto my steak. I didn’t think well-done steak could taste any better, but it does! There’s a 70-foot flagpole, which is the biggest flagpole, if you know what I’m saying. There are painted portraits of all the best people on the walls. Let’s just say there are many reasons I spend as much time here as possible.
Chez Steak Tartare
Asked for my steak tartare well done and they refused. The customer is always right!!! Terrible service and terrible food, even though I didn’t eat anything.
Love it. Always reliable. I come here for the two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish, and a large chocolate shake. I always leave full, with a fistful of ketchup packets for later. Nobody knows I’m coming and the food is premade, which really alleviates the totally normal fear of poisoning that everyone with a clean conscience experiences on a regular basis.
I wouldn’t dream of taking potential cabinet nominees anywhere else to humiliate them. Best chocolate cake!
One star and I didn’t even stay for the food. Horrible place. Everyone started loudly singing in French as soon as I arrived and refused to stop. No one on staff would intervene. An outrage! I left in a huff and won’t be back.Devra First can be reached at email@example.com. Follow her on Twitter @devrafirst