If Louie Iacuzzi and James Amaral really did discover the Red Sox’ missing American League East championship banner lying in a busy Somerville roadway, then maybe it’s time to turn them loose on some of history’s greatest mysteries.
They’re like the Scooby-Doo sleuths, if everyone in the Scooby van was Shaggy. Or like that group of awesome teenagers who discovered that TD Garden hadn’t made good on its promises, if the teenagers were grown men with a fairly flimsy story and some very weird energy.
With an open-ended mandate and a little seed money, who knows what they could turn up?
Louie and Jimmy Recover the Stolen Gardner Masterpieces
When the missing paintings from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum are finally found, let it be Louie from Malden who discovers them lying in the middle of McGrath Highway.
“Louie, what is that?” his pal Jimmy, who is also extremely from Malden, will ask.
“Pull ovah, kehd!” Iacuzzi will exclaim. “It looks like a Vermeeah!”
Soon, the world media will be assembled in Louie’s driveway as he and Jimmy unfurl “The Storm on the Sea of Galilee” from inside Louie’s trunk.
“Look, we’re gonna give ’em back, OK?” Louie will say. “But how about a little something for the effort? We’re looking for something, we don’t want to just hand it ovah to them.”
“My man worked wicked hard to, you know, uh, recover these when they fell off the back of a truck,” Jimmy will say, blinking into the TV lights. “A literal truck. Not a wink-wink truck. . . . That was a blink, not a wink.”
After some negotiation, they agree to return the priceless canvases in exchange for not being charged with several felonies.
Louie and Jimmy Find the Missing Florentine Diamond
Jimmy is taking out the trash when something yellow and brilliant catches his eye in the gutter: A diamond a little smaller than his fist, once owned by the Medici family and missing for nearly 100 years.
“Of course I knew instantly that this was the missing diamond once owned by the duke of Tuscany,” Jimmy tells the BBC during a live interview filmed, for some reason, outside the Speedway near his apartment.
Louie and Jimmy Locate the Infamous Pee Tape
Jimmy is driving along Mystic Valley Parkway when a crate of old VHS tapes falls off the back of a truck in front of him.
“So I call up Louie and tell him what happened, and he comes out with a snow shovel and starts scoopin’ up the tapes,” Jimmy later explains to “Inside Edition.”
“We’re finding some good stuff heah, you know? ‘Top Gun.’ ‘Predatah.’ Classics,” Louie recounts.
“So we go back to Louie’s gramma’s house and get her old VCR out of the attic and put in one of the tapes, and about two seconds in, Louie says — Louie, tell ’em what you said.”
“I said, ‘Gramma, you better leave the room!’ ”
They stare into the camera for five seconds.
Louie and Jimmy Discover the Lost City of Atlantis
Louie: “So I’m walking out of Kappy’s, you know, the one over by the river? And I drop my phone, right, and it falls down the storm drain. And I’m like, I can’t fit my hand down there. And I go to call Jimmy to come down with his vice grips and then I’m like, ‘duh, my phone is down there.’
“So I walk over to the Kelly’s Roast Beef and ask if I can use the phone and they’re like, ‘No, you gotta buy something,’ so I get a, uh, a roast beef three-way, you know? And then I call Jimmy and he comes down and we pull up the grate and there’s like a mystical fish person and he takes us down into the sea.”
Jimmy: “Crazy, right?”
Louie: “It looks like the inside of Mohegan Sun down there, but it’s all under the harbah. And I’m like, ‘How can I even breathe down here?’ And the fish man says — I’ll never forget this — he says real slow: ‘You are made of water. Everything is made of water. Come with us, and live forever.’ And he hands me like a speah, you know?”
Jimmy: [holding a broomhandle with a knife duct-taped to it] “This has gotta be worth millions, kehd.”
Louie and Jimmy Identify Vanished Airline Hijacker D.B. Cooper Working the Counter at Kelly’s Roast Beef
Louie: “That was the kid who wouldn’t let me use the phone!”Nestor Ramos can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.