In the latest disturbing food trend, people are proposing to each other with avocados. Here is a dispatch from the future about what can happen when expensive jewelry meets produce.
Feb. 21, 2023
This is a public service announcement.
Five years ago, I was proposed to with an avocado.
It was the most romantic moment of my life. My husband-to-be went down on one knee, whisked the alligator pear from behind his back where it was hidden, and opened it. There, instead of the traditional brown pit, was a sparkling 2-carat diamond in a platinum setting, winking up at me from the creamy, pale green interior. I swooned! Of course I said yes. Who does not assent to a marriage proposal involving a fruit (or is it a vegetable?) high in monounsaturated fatty acids? I Instagrammed the moment immediately.
Little did I know this ultra-romantic gesture would become part of a pattern.
On our wedding night, when I approached the conjugal bed, there was something waiting for me, tucked into the duvet. It was orange and bulbous. It was a pumpkin, and it wasn’t even Halloween. Wherever did he find it? The top was cut open as if for a jack o’ lantern, and inside was a lace negligee. “Will you wear it for me?” my new husband purred, and of course I assented.
It escalated from there. I received a rattle for our newborn inside an eggplant. If we fought about whose job it was to clean the house, I would find a sponge lodged inside a papaya on the kitchen counter. My husband paid our couples counselor with a check rolled up and presented in a pomegranate. The nutritional benefits of the containers were questionable. They stained the contents. They did not make for Instagrammable moments, oh no they did not.
The divorce papers came in an end-of-summer zucchini left on the vine too long and grown into a 20-pound behemoth with an inedible, fibrous interior. I did not use it to make zucchini bread. I didn’t even compost it.
Last I heard of my ex-husband, he was fired from his firm for trying to present charts rolled up in kale leaves, rather than via PowerPoint. He stopped paying child support, leaving me and our daughter destitute. If another handsome swain were to come along and propose to me with an avocado, would I say yes? I would not. I have my pride.
Reader, do not accept a marriage proposal in an avocado. Have some self-respect. Hold out for a ring served on avocado toast, atop a California roll, or (best of all) in a bowl of guac with chips and salsa. You’re worth it.