Was it a hoax aimed at raising the hopes of Americans With Thighs? No. The BuzzFeed report earlier this week was real: “Skinny Jeans Are Officially Over.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled — even if liking the news makes me look fat. But as one of millions of women suddenly stuck with hundreds of dollars of spoiled inventory that I never should have bought in the first place — I’m calling for a Fashion Victim’s Bill of Rights. People like me who are susceptible to the dictates of the fashion police need to be protected from ourselves the next time around.
1) You have the right to be told — in a kind but honest way — whether the garment under consideration would be an unfortunate choice. If you speak another language and do not understand terms like “back fat,” “muffin top,” or “better on someone younger,” you have the right to have these explained to you so you can make an informed decision.
2) If you do speak English, but do not understand that the adjectives “skinny” and “boyfriend,” when applied to denim, do not mean that you will be skinny, or that you will have boyfriend, a middle-age divorced woman with a good sense of humor will explain it to you.
3) If you are unable to stop yourself from making the purchase anyway, you have the right to have my mother speak to you.
4) If my mother has spoken to you, and you now understand that the latest fashion is overpriced and maybe not your best look, you have the right to a choice of providers, and shall not be forced to schlep from store to store looking for clothing that real people can actually wear.
5) You have the right to be acknowledged by the saleslady in the designer boutique, even if she is thinner than you, and has better hair.
6) When buying a dress for a festive occasion, you have the right to sleeves.
7) When a style comes back that you remember from the first time around, and didn’t like then, you have the right to opt out in a confident manner, but also to be advised that doing so will date you.
8) If you dropped a pretty penny on designer jeans that you couldn’t pass up because they were on sale, but that you can’t wear unless you lose 15 pounds, and can’t return, you have the right to privacy.
9) If you kept your bootcut jeans from before they went out of style, and are now in possession of the latest It pant, you have the right to feel triumphant.
10) Unless they no longer fit. In which case you have the right to buy pricey lipstick.