A?phone users had a minor freakout the other day when a major glitch was discovered in Apple’s new iOS 11 that quite unhelpfully rendered every instance of “i” as an “A” with a question mark in a box, which, let’s be honest, looks pretty A?ncredible, but which, let’s once again be honest, isn’t the best look for a vowel, even the fourth most popular one. As Apple rushes to remedy the error, users lacking a necessary personal pronoun are already experiencing feelings of disorientation and nausea as they grapple for a new sense of purpose, with many reporting that conversations have been forced to focus on you.
Speaking of self-consciousness and the iPhone, it appears the camera on the latest iteration of the iPhone’s camera is so good that it’s causing users to see what they actually look like, which is a problem. “I’m going to need all my friends to switch to Android,” tweeted one user, “I am way too ugly for this new iPhone X camera.” “I’m gonna try to open the iPhone X front facing camera and it’s gonna be like girl are you sure,” said another. “He had pizza for four meals this week, sleeps about three hours a night, and apparently has some sort of non-grooming agreement with his eyebrows,” said my most recent selfie in not so many words. Wow, they weren’t kidding about this thing. [smears pizza grease on lens]
If you thought this past Halloween was scary, just wait until Halloween of the future. A demonstration of an ostensibly candy-dropping drone over a crowd earlier this week at the Ogaki Robot Festival in Japan turned into the impromptu debut of a candy-filled-drone-dropping drone. Six people were injured in the accident, with damages estimated at 100 Grand. ALTERNATE JOKE: Six people were injured, but officials reported zero cavities. ONE MORE TIME: Six people were injured, and while nobody finds that funny, multiple eyewitnesses on the scene confirm seeing Snickers. OK, I’m done. Sorry. Thoughts, prayers.
And finally this week, Juli Briskman, the cyclist and marketing executive turned American hero last week when a White House photographer captured her flipping off the passing presidential motorcade, has been fired from her job. I’m guessing she microwaved fish in the break room or something. In any case, Juli, I’m not hiring at the moment, mainly because I don’t run a thing that has any jobs, and that’s hard to market. But if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I, for one, salute your passion for free expression, as well as your unique saluting technique. Back in a sec, that’s my boss calling.
MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEURMichael Andor Brodeur can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.