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The slow, (hopefully) steady death of the selfie stick

Shutterstock / Production Perig/Production Perig

PARIS — I was transfixed by the beauty of it. Call me old-fashioned, or just old, but I never get tired of gazing at the Eiffel Tower.

It was perfect, until I felt a meaty thwack! on the ear. The weapon was a smartphone affixed to a selfie stick, the magic wand of narcissism. There was no apology offered. Instead, a young couple continued to swivel their pole of immodesty to and fro until they could find just the right light. I suspect Gustave Eiffel’s tower was not the focus of their photo by the way these kids were sucking in their cheeks and pursing their lips like a pair of hungry trout. It was all about face and not so much about the Paris landmark.

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Still angry about my sore ear and emboldened by the number of museums, music festivals, and sporting events now prohibiting the use of selfie sticks, I suggest taking the ban a step further: Do not permit these monopods of self-absorption into tourist attractions of any kind or near scenic areas and national parks.

China will create a "blacklist" of its tourists who behave badly overseas, state-media reported, after several embarrassing incidents involving Chinese travelling abroad. Wang Zhaowang Zhao/AFP photo/Getty Images

I could claim that selfie sticks are potentially dangerous to works of art in museums, or could be used as weapons at rowdy sporting events, but I’ll simply say what everyone is thinking: Ban selfie sticks because they look ridiculous and they’re distracting.

I have fantasies of snatching the sticks out of people’s hands and tossing them into Indonesia’s Mount Sinabung volcano. Or maybe I could start a selfie stick buy-back program and use them to do some good in the world, such as build shelters for homeless porcupines or launch free fencing classes in schools across the country. Anything to stop this epidemic.

I’ve even tried to curtail the trend by asking couples if they’d like me to take their picture so they won’t need the selfie stick. The answer is invariably no, and then the narci-stickers hoist that silly pole back into the air.

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Selfies of the kind taken at arm’s length cannot be curtailed. We now live in a universe that includes such categories as “Selfies at Funerals” and “Selfies With Homeless People.” But I’m optimistic that we still stand a chance against the selfie stick. I’ve seen it pop up like an irksome weed all over Europe and Asia, but not as much in the United States. I believe we still have time to eradicate the invasive species.

One idea (thank you for asking) includes adopting South Korea’s policy on selfie sticks. The government there has defined the Bluetooth-enabled telescopic nuisances as “communication equipment.” That means the sticks need to be tested and certified. Those caught using sticks face three years in prison or a $27,000 fine.

A woman used a selfie stick to take a photograph on Ladies Day on day 3 of the Royal Ascot at the Ascot Racecourse in Ascot, England.Chris Jackson/Getty Images

OK, that might be a bit extreme. Perhaps in the States we can start slow, beginning with asking President Obama to issue an apology for his use of a selfie stick earlier this year. Next, it’s important to get candidates in the 2016 presidential race to condemn selfie sticks. After that we can talk about legislation for bans and fines.

They’ve been banned in Boston at the Museum of Fine Arts. They’re no longer welcome at the Palace of Versailles or the Kentucky Derby. In Rome, they’ve been banned at the Colosseum. This came after two California tourists carved their names into the Colosseum, and then proudly used a selfie stick to take a picture of themselves and their handiwork. Perhaps Italian police can charge the selfie stick with aiding and abetting the crime?

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Music festivals such as Coachella and Lollapalooza have banned selfie sticks. The Newport Folk Festival is taking a kinder, folkier approach by gently suggesting that participants leave their sticks at home and not issuing a full ban. I appreciate your tact, Newport, but selfie stick users don’t always respond to subtlety. Let me remind you that two stick-wielding tourists carved their names into the Roman Colosseum.

Disney World banned selfie sticks on its rides, particularly on the Magic Kingdom’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Can I get a show of hands for those of you who think it’s smart to wave around a 3-foot pole with a cellphone attached at 35 miles per hour while weaving in and out of narrow tunnels? That’s what I thought.

We could cross our fingers and hope that these sticks go to the trend graveyard alongside pajama jeans and Von Dutch trucker hats. But that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. After all, Time magazine did name it one of its top 25 inventions of 2014, thus helping to validate the cult of self-involved photography.

It’s time to step back — and I don’t mean three feet with a pole so we can take a selfie — and look at the bigger picture. Banning selfie sticks not only helps preserve the life span of our antiquities, it also keeps our ears from getting whacked at the Eiffel Tower.

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I offer this advice from a place of kindness. The narcissists who are so busy fiddling with their sticks are missing out on some of the grandest sights on the planet.

More importantly, I’m trying to save them from looking like total fools.


Christopher Muther can be reached at christopher.muther@ gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @Chris_Muther.