Love Letters

She found his stash of Viagra

And he’s not using it with her. What should she do now?

Dear Meredith,

My husband is cheating on me, and I didn’t even have to snoop on him to find out. I’ve found him sneaking around to see her — co-workers and others have seen them together. He’s handed me his phone in the past to show me something that he thought was amusing, and while I was looking at it, messages from her came up asking when they were going to meet. I have challenged him in the past with all of this, and he always likes to deny it until I give him time/date/witness. Then it’s the usual “I don’t want to lose you” line.

Because of where our kids were in school when this started, I didn’t want to uproot them and cause chaos in their lives. But now they are grown and should be able to handle a divorce. The catalyst now? I found his “secret stash” of Viagra while looking for some other medicine. He doesn’t use it for us, trust me.

My question is: What do you (and the readers) think would be the best way to tell him I found his stash? I thought about flushing it down the toilet, but I don’t want to add to the stuff that’s already in our water supply. I thought about selling it on Craigslist, serving it to him with dinner, or mailing it to his sweetie (or her husband).

He’s due to go on a business trip in a couple weeks, and while he’s gone I plan on meeting with a lawyer so I can start getting my financials in order and look for a place to live. Once he’s back, we’ll have “the talk” and I will start building my life over.

Finished

A. Do not waste your creative energy on a bottle of Viagra.

Sure, you could come up with 50 ways to tell your husband you found it, but then what? It’s a lot of work to sell something on Craigslist. Serving the bottle with dinner means you have to make dinner (exhausting). Mailing it means spending money on postage. And you’re right about the water supply — let’s not mess with the plumbing.

At this point, focus on your real next steps, which include getting that lawyer and finding a new place to live. It’s going to take extra time and brain power to build a new life. Plan on using all of your resources to get out of the house.

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Also, save some of your energy to deal with another “I don’t want to lose you” speech, because he probably has one (or two) prepared. You need to be able to explain that the bottle of Viagra is one of many reasons you know it’s time to move on. Even if he has a legitimate reason for possessing the pill bottle, it’s too late. The trust is already gone.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND

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I’m missing how this is a catalyst when you already know he’s been cheating on you. A pill doesn’t change the fact that he’s having sex with someone else. Stop focusing on the little things (no pun intended) and focus on the big things of getting your life in order and moving forward.    

BKLYNMOM

 

He should return home to find his stuff on the porch with the bottle of Viagra on top in plain sight. When he says, “I don’t want to lose you,” your response should be “You already have.” Then hand him the divorce papers.

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SEENITTOO

 

You need to stop trying to create drama and get down to business. No matter how wronged you feel, you have (grown) children who don’t want to see either of their parents acting out in that manner.      

THATJNEENGRRL

 

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He “doesn’t want to lose you” is code for he “doesn’t want to get financially hosed in divorce court.”

SUMKINDOFWONDERFUL

 

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.