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    Miss Conduct

    Advice: The bride disinvited kids after we’d booked our flight

    Our tickets are nonrefundable. Do we bring pint-sized wedding crashers? Skip the event entirely?

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    My cousin sent a wedding save-the-date notice addressed to me, my husband, and my two children. I verified with my aunt, the groom’s mother, that the children were invited before booking flights and a hotel. The invitation just arrived, and the children’s names were not on it. The bride decided at the last minute not to invite children and never told my aunt. Our flights and hotel are nonrefundable, and we don’t have anyone to watch our children while we go to the wedding. Do we say something to the bride and groom?

    S.P. / Marshfield

    You most certainly do! I’d rather like to say something to them myself. Sometimes I wish I were Miss Conduct the way Peter Parker is Spiderman, so I could change into my leotard and rain down justice on people like your cousin, who are so thoroughly in the wrong.

    You’re well within your rights to ask for the children to be included, though that’s normally a huge no-no. The alternative would be to take the trip and attend any informal gatherings, but not attend the wedding. Given their own sloppy communication, the wedding couple can now have all four of you at the wedding, or none of you. Their choice. This is what you want, ever so tactfully, to convey.


    Try not to let your aunt feel like she has to take sides or is somehow at fault — you might explicitly want to let her off the hook if she’s the worrying type. She’s only the messenger.

    Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.

    The holidays are coming. worried about travel, gift-giving, entertaining? Miss Conduct can help! Write Follow us on Twitter @BostonGlobeMag.