Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We moved in together about a month ago, and everything was perfect. Except he has started hanging out a lot with this group of guys from his law enforcement training program. I thought it was fine; I understand he needs time away from me. The issue is he gets so drunk he often doesn’t remember parts of the night. There were pictures of him with his arm around another girl, who may or may not be one of his friends. I also found Tinder on his phone after one of these nights out. He said the guys were “showing their friend how it worked and downloaded the app and stood in a circle playing on it.”
I want to trust him but it is really taking up space in my head. I honestly wasn’t even going through his phone — I had turned off an alarm and there was a notification. When he’s not around his friends, things are fine, but I am nervous about what happens the next time he goes out with this crowd. I love him a lot, but this is putting an unnecessary strain on us, and I don’t want to come off as clingy or crazy. I’ve asked him about maybe joining him for one of these nights out, but he says he prefers to keep work separate.
Should I be concerned or just let it go for now? He doesn’t graduate until next spring, so odds are this “good ol’ boys club” will continue for quite some time.
— New Friends
A. You’re not crazy or clingy. You want him to be safe — and to keep you safe — and that’s not unreasonable. Also, you’d like him to stay off dating apps, which makes sense. Tinder is not Tetris. It is not a game.
Now is the time to make it clear you won’t put up with this in your shared home. His drunken nights aren’t just about him; they turn you into someone who has to worry about him and about herself, which is no good.
It does sound like the bonding with these guys might be temporary — a training program thing. But what happens if he works with some of these people after graduation? It’s best to let him know now this could be a deal breaker — because it sort of already is. He’s destroying the trust in this relationship. It’s hard to come back from that.
Of all the guys in the group, he had to be the one to install it so they could teach another guy? Wouldn’t that guy have just installed it himself? CONCERNEDCITIZENONDUTY
She should tell him to delete that app. Or tell him she’ll also load it up — you know, to play games with her girlfriends. GDCATCH
Your boyfriend has a drinking problem, and spending time getting hammered with these friends is a symptom of that — not the other way around. JUST-ANOTHER-BOSTONIAN
Honey, don’t be a dope. Move out. Not an ultimatum, not a breakup — just being clear that his new lifestyle doesn’t correspond with your expectations of your life together. He’s giving you every reason in the world not to trust him so you’d be a fool to stick around. SEENITTOO
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