Q. Hi, Meredith,
I am in my early 20s and went on a first date last week with an engineer I met on Bumble. He’s a few years older. He was delightfully charming and interesting to talk to. At the end of the night, he sort of went in for a kiss but I sort of deflected — not intentionally (he’s very handsome!), but I wasn’t exactly sure what he was going for and didn’t know how to respond.
He said he was really excited about seeing me again but didn’t respond to my text asking when he was free. I also mentioned that I had plans to comfort a girlfriend later that night (I did), so there was no room for us to get intimate after (I wouldn’t have been ready to hook up with him anyway). Did I do something wrong, or is he just fake and ghosting me for no reason? — Bumbled
A. We were talking about ghosting in our Love Letters chat this week, and I was saying that I don’t think the term should apply to anything that happens after one date. Bailing after a first date isn’t ghosting. It’s just . . . not wanting a second date.
People say lots of things at the end of first dates. I had a great time. Let’s do this again. I’ll reach out. They say what feels right in the moment. These words are pretty much meaningless until they’ve had time to think. My advice is to wait until date three or four to analyze end-of-evening conversation. Also, don’t assume you did anything wrong with this particular man. He might just be a charming-on-the-first-date kind of guy.
It sounds like you don’t have a lot of experience dating. You will have A LOT of ‘’one-date’’ partners. For whatever reason, he (apparently) is not interested in getting together with you again. You’ll have the same reaction to some of the dudes YOU meet. Pick yourself up, get back on Bumble, and meet other dudes! GDCATCH
I’m trying to figure out if she said “I have plans to comfort a girlfriend” or if she said “I have plans to comfort a girlfriend so there is no room for us to get intimate.” If it’s the latter, I know exactly why there was no second date. DORA79
I seriously would like to discourage this trend to have “plans” after a date like this. I see it all the time in the [Dinner With Cupid] column. I can guess at the many reasons people do this, but I think it’s a bad idea. If you’re going on a date, just go on the date. If it’s not working out, make up some plans. ASH
I’ve been guilty of accidentally turning a “goin’ in for a kiss” moment into a hug — sometimes not accidentally, too. ELLEEM
There’s an old episode of Friends where Chandler ends every date by saying “I had a great time. I’ll give you a call,” no matter how badly the date went. It’s a knee-jerk response to end an evening smoothly, even if he has no intention of calling. DORA79
People generally don’t tell you to your face that they never want to see you again. Most people will say they will call you, they had a great time, etc. You have to see if they follow up. Just move on to the next one. LEGALLYLIZ2017
boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.